Too much time to think

It's been snowing here. A lot. It's been worse here in CO, but as it snows it gives me too much time to think. I've tried to stay busy with my job and online, doing laundry, keeping the boys busy...but things still creep in.

I watched Grey's Anatomy last night and the week before. The storyline is one of the main charachter has Stage 4 cancer (I still can't figure out what they are calling it...melanoma?) It's in the brain and throughout her body. The obvious futility of the situation is mind boggling and I can hardly get through the show without tearing up or sobbing, sometimes both.

This week has been hard for my mother. The shot they gave her to keep her white cells active gave her a migraine for four days. The only thing that would even touch the pain was a whole Percocet, and then that can make her dizzy and sick to her stomach. I went over there on Sunday and I offered her my touch, my love, words of encouragement. They never are enough.

As of yesterday, she was feeling better, which is good. I can't stand that the chemo has put her life on hold, yet understand that it needs to be done. I was thinking of Mother's Day coming up...and felt a sense of loss knowing that she and I most likely won't get together like we've done every year to pick out our annuals for potting up our containers because she doesn't have the energy to be able to do it. I was thinking about my birthday and my son's birthday...and not sure if she'll be able to celebrate it with us.

I'm being selfish. I want her full of life, with energy, feeling good...and I can't have that.

I just want her back.