Friday, October 31, 2008


The outcome left a hole in my stomach. It is indeed cancer. My mom goes in next Wednesday for her surgery. Removing anything and everything that they can. While inside her body, they will look around to see if the cancer has spread.

When meeting with the doctor, they talked to her about genetic testing to see if my mother was predisposed to getting ovarian cancer. If she is, then I need to do testing myself. If I am predisposed, then I have the decision to make if I should remove my ovaries, too. I mentioned this to Brian, and he looked a bit upset. We have decided not to have any more kids, but I think he doesn't like the idea of having surgery before I need to. Would it be needless surgery? I don't believe so. Going through life always wondering if I had it seems needless when they can remove a part of me that I don't need. Do I get a hysterectomy at 33? This is something that I'm not sure I would want to do.

I'm not ready to deal with all of these questions. Just wanting to focus on the matter at hand. The surgery and what else they may find. Mom sounds pretty good. She told me she cried a lot yesterday which was good to ease the tension. I've only cried the day I found out the news. I'm sure it'll hit me later. I'm just in the wait and see mode again until Wednesday.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Coming to terms

I've been thinking about dreadful things. Death, the inablility to live without a mother in my life. I've been trying to be so optimistic, but the bad thoughts keep creeping in. My mother made a comment the day she found out that she didn't expect to live past 70. 70??? I need her so much longer than that. She is my mother. My friend. My confidant. My keeper. My muse. I would not be the person I am without her.

I've been trying to convince myself that the biopsy will come back and say it's benign. A tumor of the best kind. Remove it all. Her ovaries, her omentum, her uterus, her cervix. Whatever she doesn't need, get it out of there.

I'm scared for her about the chemo because I know she remembers the heartache with her own mom. It's all encompassing, the fear.

This's a slow killer.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Ha! I THOUGHT last week was shitty.

Today, two huge things were happening. My husband was waiting to find out if he still had a job, and my mother went in for a simple procedure that is done every day to women all over the world.

By 11:00, everything changed. Brian has lost his job and my mother's ovary is swollen, with cancerous cells also located in her omentum. They are saying cancer. Throwing the word around without waiting for the biopsy. Now, in the past year, they threw this word at her before, and was wrong. All I can hope for is that they are wrong again. False optimism? Probably. It's all I have until the biopsy comes in on Thursday.

I'm just wrecked today. Tired and pretty much in shock. I'm staying strong because I need to.

I just want to lay down in my bed and cry for a bit.

Wasn't expecting this

My dad just called. When making incisions to remove my mom's uterus and cervix, they found cancer in her ovaries. I have no words.



I wish I could do this out loud.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Control...or lack of

Why do I constantly worry about things that I have absolutely no control over?
I've tried to stay busy today. Planting all of the bulbs that were mailed to me when I was on vacation. Cleaned the house like mad yesterday because when I clean, I have control over the situation. If I sit and do nothing, the loss of control overwhelms me. I even watched a scary movie last night in hopes that I would think of it, rather than our current situation.

Only a few more days, and then we'll know for sure. I know even though he says he's not worried, he worries. I can talk and think of nothing else.

Friday, October 24, 2008

What an incredibly shitty week

Other than coming home...there's nothing that beats that feeling, it's turning out to be an extremely shitty week.

Daegan got sick on tuesday night. I've been coughing so much that I'm lightheaded and my body is aching. My mother calls me and says she thinks she got my cold (which could put off her surgery) and then last night, Riordan woke up in the middle of the night throwing up. I'm just waiting for the sickness to hit the rest of us, because it always does.

I then read the paper and find out that Brian's company will be laying off 9 % of the employees. He finds out on Tuesday if his job is safe. In the past, his division has been secure because of what he does, but you never know. This is terrifying, absolutely TERRIFYING, because all around us we see people losing their homes because they can't afford their mortgages. What would we do? I don't work full time, and even if I did, I wouldn't make half the money he makes. What in the hell would we do???

Thursday, October 23, 2008


My mother goes in for a hysterectomy on the 28th and she's terrified of the unknown. Every day she has new questions about what will happen. With her MS, she has had several tests and things done to her that caused her pain, and she never wants to feel that kind of pain again.

She's never been administered morphine, so she was concerned about that. I told her not to worry, she'll love it. What I don't understand is why they have to give it to her through her spine... She's also concerned about how long she'll be laid up. They told her 6 weeks until she'll be up and running like her normal self. Now, she lives with a man who she does everything for. Cooks, cleans, etc. My dad will have to step up and take care of things so she doesn't do them herself. She won't be able to lift anything more than 10 lbs. for awhile, and is talking of putting on an arm sling to remind her NOT to do things. I'll be cooking some casseroles and bringing them over for them to heat up. I'll probably go over there during the weekend and clean, too, since I know she's obsessive about that.

With all of the abnormal results from her pap, this is the right course to take. We all know this. However, the unknown can terrify us more than what is right in front of our face.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

I was home for exactly 1 1/2 hours

when reality hits. My kid threw up.

Welcome home, mom!


I'm back. I just spent 6 days with my extended family. Some that I haven't seen in about 3 years, some I saw just last year. It was a lot of fun hanging out with my mom and aunt for so long, but I'm also exhausted. I'm usually very good at knowing when I've had enough, when to go to bed, when to STOP. This doesn't happen when I'm visiting my family members, mostly because I'm always afraid I'll miss something big.

I went out to St. Louis to go to my cousin's wedding reception. My mother and I left early because we knew my aunt would need help doing last minute preparations. Boy, did she! She works hard (owns her own business) and was doing all things last minute!! Anyway, it was a lovely reception, and a wonderful time had by all.

One thing families do, of course, is to talk to one another. My family seriously talks, too. We sit outside, smoke cigarette after cigarette and just TALK. We usually talk about our own immediate families, but talk of everything else, too. One thing that I learned about myself when talking is that I tend to tell people, "you need to do this, or I would do this" when giving advice rather than just validate what the person is feeling or saying. Sometimes people want to hear actual advice, and some people just want you to listen. I'm good with this with everyone else but not my family for some reason.

My family has problems. At least one cousin out of 5 is an alcoholic or a drug addict. It was...devestating to hear the stories about my cousins who were dealing with all of these issues. Living in Colorado allows me to have a screen to be behind. Not on purpose, I just don't hear all of the stories of my families. I'm very saddened to be worried about so many members, it makes me terrified to pass the addict gene down to my own kids. Anyway, after listening to all of these stories, it made me so grateful that my own problems seem so small. I am grateful that everyone is healthy. I have no answers for those that have been hurt. I can't, because I haven't lived in their shoes. All I can hope is that God is control, and He has a plan for every one of my loved ones.

I'm glad I went, but my eyes have been opened to a lot of things that I wish I was in the dark about.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Saying goodbye

We all do it. Different reasons, different outcomes, but we all do it. Saying goodbye to me is similar to ripping off a bandaid. If you do it hurts so much all at once, but the pain fades just as fast. Do it slowly, and it draws out the pain, sometimes you might even savor it. The lasting result is damage to the area, but again...the pain fades.

It all seems so unfair. You found the love you've been looking for, and now you have to leave her. You're in a healthy relationship, and it's going to be put to the test. You've been there before, why do you have to go again? I know you're proud, and I love you for it, but I wish you could just say no. This war...I despise it.

I hate saying goodbye to you because even though I know it's safer this time around, there's still a chance that it is final. I'm scared, and I'll miss you, and I love you so very much. How do we go day after day without you around? You're the only friend he's got, he's going to be lonely. I worry about him because he isn't talking about it.

It just isn't fair.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Just the facts

As I sit here, freezing because my body has obviously not grown accustomed to the cooler weather, all I can think of is what to do next? I just worked my final day at Picadilly (well, I'll be working a couple of days here and there, but not enough to call it income) and I have no idea where to go to apply for a seasonal job. I'm a bit concerned to apply to any retail place during the Holiday's because I am not ready to be told I have to work on Thanksgiving, or Christmas. I'd love to work close by because it's very important for me to be able to leave at a drop of a hat if my kids have an asthma attack, or some other emergency. Plus, I hate driving in the snow. I'll admit it. I'm a wuss when it comes to icy, snowy roads.

I'd love to take some time off, but, just like most people in this world, I need to have extra spending money for the Holiday's. Last year, Brian's family came up with a great idea for us all to make homemade presents for ONE person of the family (that we drew from a hat). It was very special, it really made you think about what they would enjoy, and I think we all really appreciated what we received. This idea helped a lot with the extra spending, but I have three boys that are hoping for some electronic gadgets from Santa this year. Nothing under $75.00. I remember, oh so long ago when I was able to get 5 Hot Wheel cars and call it a good Christmas!

Anywho, I don't know what I want to do. I'm leaving for St. Louis this coming week, and then when I get back, I'll be searching. Hopefully I haven't waited too long to start looking. With the economy the way it is, I'm positive I'm not the only one in need of more money.