Monday, March 30, 2009


I'm wondering if I need too much from people. I've always told my loved ones that as long as you're honest with me, we'll get along just fine. I've got a quick temper, I'll be the first one to admit it, but if you tell me the truth, I will forgive you a lot faster than if you lie to me.

I know people make mistakes. I, myself, make plenty of them. I'm a forgiving person and will love you until the day I die, and will protect you from those that might try to hurt you. Just...don't screw with me or my emotions, okay?

I've been told by numerous people that I can be intimidating, and I don't mean to be. I'm just who I am. I'm also told that people can always be straight with me because I don't flip out and offer good advice, and will keep secrets if they need to be kept.

As I raise my boys, the thing that I reiterate is telling the truth. Brian also pushes this point. It might get you into trouble, but the trust of a person is more important than anything else.

This weekend has been a hard one for me.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Time with the girls

I had a blast last night. Went over to my friend Jen's and met several other girls over there, too. We decided to not go out due to financial stress and just hung out together, laughed, drank some margaritas, had a millioin appetizers and scrumtious birthday cake and relaxed. I haven't laughed like that in a long time...since the last time we hung out together.

A few years ago I wrote how lonely I was, and I'm glad to say that I don't feel that way anymore. These group of friends have helped me through so much, and I am so very grateful for them!! It's amazing how we get together and talk about anything and everything, and still remain friends through it all. ;)

After trying to play a game of Catch Phrase for an hour, we ended up calling it a night. I feel loved. Thanks, girls!!

I am now looking forward to Tuesday (my actual birthday) because it will be just Brian and I together for the whole day. We have plans to go test drive cars and visit Tagawa gardens. I can't wait!

Friday, March 27, 2009

Too much time to think

It's been snowing here. A lot. It's been worse here in CO, but as it snows it gives me too much time to think. I've tried to stay busy with my job and online, doing laundry, keeping the boys busy...but things still creep in.

I watched Grey's Anatomy last night and the week before. The storyline is one of the main charachter has Stage 4 cancer (I still can't figure out what they are calling it...melanoma?) It's in the brain and throughout her body. The obvious futility of the situation is mind boggling and I can hardly get through the show without tearing up or sobbing, sometimes both.

This week has been hard for my mother. The shot they gave her to keep her white cells active gave her a migraine for four days. The only thing that would even touch the pain was a whole Percocet, and then that can make her dizzy and sick to her stomach. I went over there on Sunday and I offered her my touch, my love, words of encouragement. They never are enough.

As of yesterday, she was feeling better, which is good. I can't stand that the chemo has put her life on hold, yet understand that it needs to be done. I was thinking of Mother's Day coming up...and felt a sense of loss knowing that she and I most likely won't get together like we've done every year to pick out our annuals for potting up our containers because she doesn't have the energy to be able to do it. I was thinking about my birthday and my son's birthday...and not sure if she'll be able to celebrate it with us.

I'm being selfish. I want her full of life, with energy, feeling good...and I can't have that.

I just want her back.

Sunday, March 22, 2009


I wish...

I could roll back time and never had it happen.

I could take all of your pain, squish it into a ball, and we burn it...slowly.

I could make everything better

I could spend more time with you

it was over before it began

it will never come back

you felt better about what you look like

you felt better. Period.

he understood your needs more

that you were well

that you would never leave me

that you truly knew how much I love you

Friday, March 20, 2009


Yeah. It's getting closer. 10 days. I'm not sure how I feel about it at this time. Not really a landmark birthday...a whopping 34. I look in the mirror and see someone who has aged, but don't worry too much about it. I know there are more lines, more gray hairs, but I also know there is wisdom and patience that wasn't there 10 years ago.

I want to celebrate it because I haven't really celebrated since my 30th. Brian threw me a surprise dinner party, and I loved it. I love being in the spotlight, I'll admit it. I've already asked for Saturday off, and have made tentative plans with some friends on the Friday before my birthday. I just want to hang out, drink margaritas and laugh with friends. Girls Night to the extreme. That's what I want.

From my family, I want family pictures and have already told them such. Brian is helping by laying down the law with the boys. This is something they can easily do for me, and something that I want. Oh, how I remember the days where as soon as the camera was out, they would instantly smile and say, "Cheese!!"

I would love to be able to spend time with my hubby. We have talked about going somewhere for two years now, but with his job situation, it's better to stick around.

What have I learned this past year? Things change, so quickly. My sons are growing at amazing speeds and this year will be rough because I won't have the one-on-one time with Riordan anymore. Starting this fall he will be going to school full time. Corrin is rapidly getting bigger than me, and he is thriving in that knowledge. He asked me the other day, "Why are you so short, mom?" *snicker* Daegan is at that ackward age where he wants to be so much older than he really is. Makes comments about what he needs to do to be "popular". I'm not sure I even cared at 8 years old!

I've learned that time is precious, friends are important, and family is everything. A year older. So much more to learn! BRING IT ON!

Colors of spring

Just a few pictures of some early blooming plants. With the 70 degree days, a lot of things are blooming a month earlier than the norm. It's been interesting to watch. Here is my first ever attempt to grow from seed. I have purple zinnias, The Denver Daisy, Alyssum "Basket of Gold", cucumbers, peppers, "Bright Lights" Cosmos and a vine that I had never heard of. Day 5, and half the seeds of started to germinate. All in all, a very nice first attempt!
Creeping phlox. In about two weeks, all you'll see is pink!!
Daffodils. I was so surprised to look out and see these blooming. Last year, they bloomed the begininning of April, so these are definitely almost a month early.
I believe this is a type of Veronica. I bought them to fill in the gaps of my pavestones, and know that it can handle a lot of foot traffic.
Ahhhhh, the forsythia. I've been wanting one of these for years, and finally had a place to plant it. It was my first purchase of 2009.
It's small now, but it can get up to 10 feet high and 4-6 feet wide. I won't let it take over that much, though.
There is nothing quite like these blooms, in my opinion.

Happy first day of Spring!!

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Great news!!

Mom got the results of her CA125, and her numbers have dropped to 28. The chemo is working. All we can do is pray she goes into remission after all of this is over with, and it looks like she is heading in the right direction!! She still has two more chemo treatments to go, so keep praying for her!

I am so relieved and excited at once.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

I can move again...

I worked Thursday, Friday and Saturday of last week. It's taken me awhile to be able to move again. I laugh about it, but am pretty annoyed that I am so out of shape. I've got to remember to do things during the winter time so my entire body doesn't hurt the first few months back at Picadilly.

I still love working there. I go around the perennials and make sure each and everyone of them is coming back from dormancy. Some of them don't, and I feel so sad when I have to dump them out into the compost pile. Davey's been ordering some more things, and we've been having deliveries the past several days. There's an excitement...we're almost ready!!

I wasn't scheduled to come in on Saturday, but we decided it was probably a good idea for me to come in, and it WAS. We were slammed. I didn't even look at my watch until a quarter til 3:00!!

On Saturday night, we went out with my boss, his wife, a coworker and some of her friends to the Impulse Theater. It's a fun place to go. Improv comedy at it's finest. Well...not quite FINEST, but very entertaining. On Sunday, the entire fam went over to our friend Stacey's house for dinner. She cooked Thai food and it was yummy!

We've had incredible weather outside so I've been pruning and cleaning and digging and dividing. Maybe this is why I'm still sore?? Today I spent most of the day inside working on my other job. My eyes kept looking outside...staring wistfully. I can't help it, I have extreme Spring Fever.

Mom had her chemo today and it sounded like it went well. I called her around 11:00 and found out that dad dropped her off because he thinks he's getting a cold. I really wish they would have called me, I would have stayed with her, but she ended up sleeping for a lot of the day anyway, so I guess it worked out okay. Mom goes back to the center for the shot for her white cell count boost tomorrow. Then I'll go over there on Sunday to be with her while dad is gone. Only TWO more to go!!!

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Chemo 4?

This week has been a rough one. Mom had her CT scan on Monday and I've been jittery and impatient to get the results. I don't talk a lot about the fear because it's always hard to express. Mom called me yesterday to make sure I wasn't going to her chemo because her white blood counts were low and they weren't going to give it to her this week. I was concerned for how she would take this news, but she is fine with it "another week where I can eat what I want". Ha ha. We also received the results of her CT scan. There is still a bit of fluid on the bottom part outside of her lung. We're guessing when they drained her, it didn't get it all out. As far as we know, it hasn't effected her breathing, and the doctor will continue to monitor it throughout the chemo. Mom also had a lymph node that was smaller...something else to keep tabs on. When I heard "lymph node" my breath started to come in and out fast. I know that when it hits the lymph nodes it can be very bad, but dad assured me it was a good CT scan. The doctors have decided to give mom a shot after her chemo to help her white cells work faster at reproducing. With this could come more leg pain, and that makes everyone wary, but she has to have the chemo...

We've decided that instead of me going to her chemo rounds, I would come over on Sunday's after chemo and spend time with her. This would allow my dad to go to church and Sunday School, and for mom to be taken care of. Sunday is one of the worst days for mom. Heavy medications and lot of leg pain. Again, the need to help is overwhelming, and I am glad to offer anything to make things better.

I'll be working at Picadilly today and tomorrow. Potting a whole bunch of perennials and maybe even vegetables. It's long, laborous work, but my hands are immersed in the soil so I am happy. A good distraction from the long week.

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Finding myself

After two days of working at Picadilly, I am sore everywhere. Yet...I have a huge smile on my face and a spring to my step. It's great to be back. I realized a couple of years ago that it's not just working at my favorite place in the world that makes me happy, but the fact that I become "Heather" again, rather than just mommy. I know that I'm Heather with my hubby and my family, but I'm the Heather that can help out in different ways, offer my talents and my knowledge in a whole new spectrum when I'm at work.

I also have someone else to talk to. I love meeting new people, engaging in conversations, and getting to know the people of Brighton and the surrounding areas.

I've loved being a stay-at-home mom. I love being there for my kids. However, I think there comes a time where some women have to go back to the work field before they lose that final piece of who they are. It's important for me to remember that I am multi-faceted (who knew??) and I redefine that sense of myself everytime I go back to work.

I wrote a blog about feeling unappreciated. I know some jobs you go to, you never feel a sense of accomplishment, or never hear a thank you from day to day. At this job, you feel appreciated everytime you walk in the door. It's a great feeling. I'm back!!

Friday, March 6, 2009

What my kid thinks of me

Posted this on facebook, too, but thought it was too cute!!

Ask your child(ren) these questions and enter their answers...Quite amusing!

Answered by Riordan, age 6

1. What is something mom always says to you?
I Love you.

2. What makes mom happy?
Your kids

3. What makes mom sad?
Throwing a fit

4. How does your mom make you laugh?

5. What was your mom like as a child?

6. How old is your mom:
Uh 33

7. How tall is your mom?
Oh hoh. How high are you? Whisper....5'11"

8. What is her favorite thing to do?
Work on flowers

9. What does your mom do when you're not around?
Clean and go on the computer

10. If your mom becomes famous, what will it be for?
In charge garden person

11. What is your mom really good at?
GEtting dressed

12. What is your mom not very good at?
Playing video games

13. What does your mom do for a job?

14.What is your mom's favorite food?
Eggs and bacon

15.What makes you proud of your mom?
You helping me with stuff

16. If your mom were a cartoon character, who would she be?
Mr. Bluebird (from zippity do dah...he's learning that song)

17. What do you and your mom do together?
I Spy

18. How are you and your mom the same?
We like kisses

19. How are you and your mom different?
I'm a boy, you're a girl

20. How do you know your mom loves you?
Because I am your child

21. What does your mom like most about your dad?
I don't know

22. Where is your mom's favorite place to go?

23. What do you love most about your mom?
You always want kisses

24. If you could go anywhere in the world with just your mom, where would you go?
Movie Theater

25. If you could buy your mom a gift, what would you buy her?
A plant

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Fair-weathered friend

In an earlier blog I talked about having only a few friends around me my entire life. It's easier that way because I invest all of my time and my energy and, dare say; my love to each of these close friends.

I give and give and give and hopefully, feel a return once in awhile. A loving remark or a kind gesture. The sweet acts of love that only friends can give.

I'm tired of this "friendship" that goes nowhere. Where I hear what is going on through other people. I'm good enough for some bad things. The things that completely change your life, but never good enough to hear the good things or day to day things. Is it because you don't think I care? Is it because of who I am married to? You've never held that against me before. You usually brought that up fondly, but I feel that that is the reason you don't tell me anything. The good ol' pride. Which is fine. I get it. But quit calling me a friend because I feel like anything but.

You say that you're lonely and that no one reaches out. I have reached out. Over and over again. Offered my ear, my time and my love to you. You have ignored these things and it hurts me. You might not mean to, but it's obvious what I offer is not what you are wanting. You cancel at the last minute. You give open ended replies to invites and then I don't hear from you. You would rather sleep than spend time with me. Maybe it's me? I could be okay with that, too, if you'd just be honest. I abhore dishonesty. You should know that by now.

I can't offer anymore to you. You will be in my life, and I understand that, but I'm just done trying.

Monday, March 2, 2009

I do too much? and Just get it done!!

This weekend was a blur. I finished painting Corrin's room, moved things around, helped Brian build bookshelves and pretty much finished the room. I. can't. hardly. move. He likes it, though. That makes it worthwhile.

My chiropractor was NOT happy with me this morning. I kind of, well, lied about what I did this weekend because she's telling me to take it easy. When she was adjusting me, my upper back locked. Now, this has happened to me a million times, but it was the first time it had happened at the Chiropractor. I felt like I did something wrong. It was the guilt from doing too much. I don't know HOW to take it easy. If I'm sitting, I feel like a lazy bum. I just don't get it. There's always stuff to do at my house. I have three kids for Pete's sake! I've talked about laundry before...but it's horrendous the amounts that these boys give me. Plus, on weekends they tend to go through twice as many clothes (I'm guessing this is not true, but it feels like it).

How do you stop? I try to rent movies during the day so I at least have 90 minutes of relaxation, but I usually pause the movie to go and do something, and then watch the end in the evening. I just go, go, go.

My mom was the same way. She stayed at home and rarely did I see her sit. She was constantly moving, whistling her way through the workload. I don't whistle, I feel put out a lot of times. I think to myself, "I JUST cleaned this toilet. How in the heck??" Or, "Seriously, can they not put these things away at the end of the night?" Or, "how stinking hard is is to RINSE A BOWL!!!!!!" I know the boys would do these things if I nagged them to do it, but sometimes that wears me out more than just doing it myself. I hate nagging. I hate having to say things more than once for it to get done. If I ask, I expect you to get up off your butt and do it. That's how it was when I was growing up. I don't care what I was doing, if my parents asked me to do something, it didn't mean 5 minutes from now, it meant NOW. Yeah, it annoyed me, but I certainly didn't complain (out loud). How different things are...