I can't go back

She's gone. The question of the day today was, "Are you coming back?" When asked this, I feel my body go rigid. My thoughts go to the final weeks of attending where everything is crystal clear. The putdowns, the thoughtless remarks, the absolute power that this church gave to one woman, who was said to be Godly. As people sat by, listening...literally eating up her words without a remark. That was the end for me. Yes, one problem with this church is gone. Yes, it makes me feel like I could visit this church. But come back? No. It's lost to me. When people sit by and let a preacher say things without standing up and saying that it's wrong...I can't trust these people anymore.

I am not laying guilt on just the members. I, too, sat there, feeling myself wanting to regurgitate, but not standing up. Holding the anger in as she said words that were hurtful. So it's not just anger, but my own self hating that I said nothing, too. How can I attend a church that, when I drive by, those feelings come back...every time? How could I possibly help it's healing? I can't.

I don't believe I can return to a church that is known for being "hard on it's ministers". I can't attend a church that is known for the conference to send preachers it's way as a stepping stone to something bigger and better. I cannot attend a church that is part of a conference that doesn't seem to have sane and well preachers. How can I attend a church where there are no children, no music ministry, nothing for my family? It just can't happen. So, I sit here, and try to swallow the anger and hurt again.

I know I have to do something. My mother-in-law suggested I write a letter to the district about what I think the church needs. I feel as if this was a good suggestion, but have to prayerfully consider what I would want to say. I do wish this church would get healthy. It is God's house, and it is there to serve the Lord.

I wish there was something out there...

New Moon Review...I tell it like I see it.

I should preface this entire review with the thought that I wasn't a huge fan of the first movie Twilight after I saw it the first time, but thought it was better the second time around. Not sure why, maybe it was Rob's face that did it for me...but I've watched it several times since then and have enjoyed it. However, I am NOT a Twilighter in the fact that I get so dopey eyed over the looks of the characters that I don't expect more from a movie...especially with fans that dole out a shit load of money to see something good.

Several weeks before the movie, I had watched the previews and had a hopeful attitude. Werewolves looked decent, seemed to follow the storyline, etc. I told myself I was NOT going to reread New Moon because I was so disappointed with Twilight and how they left a lot of important aspects out of the movie (read...meadow scene and how it REALLY went down) so I stayed away from anything remotely having to do with New Moon. Also, my sis-in-law and I decided that we would wait until the general hype wore down a bit so we could actually watch the movie without hearing squeals of sextasy in the movie theater.

Today (finally) came and we're waiting in line, and happen to be standing by an outlandishly gay man (young boy) who was waiting to see the movie for the third time. I thought he might ejaculate in his pants just talking about the movie. Nice guy, but I could tell it might be a long night as he sits down with us as we wait and decides to give us his opinion on whether or not we should watch movies as we see the previews. I decided at this point to not be "friendly Heather" and ignore him from then on. He actually shut his mouth during the actual movie, which was good because I was ready to go Edward on his ass.

Actual movie review:

All in all (from what I can remember) the movie did a decent job in following the book. There were some things they changed, but it didn't bother me that they added in some fight scenes and took out some others scenes from the book. I've seen enough books turned into movies to expect this. The movie flowed well enough. I loved how they showed passage of time during this movie using good camera usage. The werewolves were decent. After seeing Twilight, I was wary about what the CGI was going to look like. Wasn't the best I've seen, but wasn't the worst, also. Taylor. Taylor, Taylor, Taylor. I'd say out of all of the actors, he was the best in cast. Never heard of this kid before, but I thought he did a darn good job playing the role of Jacob. Move over Edward, I'm Team Jacob now.

Now onto the bad. Could Kristen and Rob please take ALLLLL of the money that they have received from these two movies and invest it in acting classes? Please? I mean, I'm going to say the director must have had blinders on. REALLY? That's the best they could do? No retakes? Kristen looked like she always does. She's got the mopey face down...and sometimes she tries to put some anger in her face. I felt NOTHING between the two characters. I don't know about you guys, but when I read New Moon when Edward left, it really, really, really hurt ME when he left because she was so hurt. I just felt...nothing while watching the movie. Edward. Hello? Constipated is all I felt from him. I don't know what I expected...but it wasn't what they showed. No tears? Nothing? Just screaming once in awhile from some bad nightmares.

So, Bella starts hanging out with Jacob, and the smiles come back...along with...chemistry! Aren't Kristen and Rob dating in real life? God, what a nightmare. If I were Rob, I'd be checking out Kristen's phone to see if Taylor is calling...

Also, makeup? Jasper? My God, people...did you not READ what fans were complaining about after the last movie? I can't wait until Jasper quits looking like he wants to upchuck. Bella, please change into a vampire so we can see the Jasper we want to see...

As I read other reviews, all I can see is OMG, Jacob took off his shirt and I was like, OMG!!!! Am I wrong to expect more from this entire saga? I know the writing wasn't the best in the entire world, but I do believe in the story. I liked how the books brought me into another world for awhile, and it was a cool world to be in. I liked how I felt young again while reading it. It's not just about seeing good looking characters, it's rooting for them, and falling in love all over again. I appreciate the fact they wanted good looking actors in these movies, but they should have searched longer. For people that could ACT.

I think I'll wait until Eclipse comes out on video. Sometime around this time next year.

Oh...the boy we sat by? He pulled an Edward move and literally hopped out of his seat and jumped over the bars and ran out of the movie theater. Most dramatic thing that happened during the entire night.

Conveying the bigger picture

Yesterday was a tough one. I knew Corrin had done something and was waiting to talk to him when he got home. He admitted it (which, I have to give him credit for) but didn't see why what he did was wrong. After discussing it in length (read screaming at each other) I think he finally understood the point I was making.

Parenthood. Where you swallow your anger and try to get through the point you are trying to teach them. It's not all about us vs. them, it's about teaching them right from wrong. Teenagers have the us vs. them mentality, and I try so hard to work around that obstacle before laying down the laws of the world. Parents know nothing. They know everything. Conversations include, "Well you're thinking" or "You were going to say" or "You never listen" when really, we're just in a rush to say our point of view before listening to the other. I had to step back, take a breath, and apologize for interrupting, because he was right. I interrupted because I saw where he THOUGHT I was coming from, and I felt he was wrong. However, it's not about ME...but what he perceives, and the lesson I'm trying to teach.

One thing about Corrin and I, we scream, we yell and then it's over. There's no hard feelings (I think!!!) and we move on. He did accuse me of just wanting to get in an argument because I told him he could yell at me as long as he would TELL ME WHAT WAS ON HIS MIND!!! I told him I'm not much for yelling, but if we got to the truth of the matter, than that's what had to happen. I know a lot of people don't agree with the scream and yell method, but the outcome is what I strive for. Understanding. Agreement. Solidarity. Forgiveness. Love.

It's interesting to me, because I think everyone needs to learn how to speak their mind. You can do it plainly, and lovingly, without destroying relationships in the long run. You can tell people, "you pissed me off the other day, and I'd like to talk about it" without the world falling apart. You also can be the first to say, "I know I hurt you, and I am deeply sorry". As long as we do this for the relationship, rather than our own pride or agenda, the end result should be forgiveness.

Hourglass

Card shopping has become an extremely hard thing to do when I'm buying one for my mom. I feel as if I should go shop for them around midnight so no one is around to see me bawl my eyes out. Every card I looked at made my eyes tear up, and I looked like a ninny. I picked out a card for my mom that essentially said, "what would I do without you" because it's STILL on my mind. What would my life be like without her in it?? She cried while reading it, because she wondered, as I did, if she'd make it to her next birthday. I cried while buying it, because the words rang so true.

No card ever says it all. There are no words to say how thankful I am that I have another year with her. There is no card that says everything that I feel needs to be said. I don't have the words to be able to express how deep my love is for her.

I try not to hear a clock slowly ticking time down, reminding us that our time together could be short. Instead, I try to appreciate each and every moment that we have together. Not as it would be our last, but enjoy it like it's a first. We don't know what God's plan is for mom. She has a 50% chance to survive this cancer five years. If she passes that five year mark, we're in the clear. It's amazing how struggle and pain makes you appreciate life so much more. We have an appointment for a pedicure on Tuesday (mom's first...I'm going all out) and it brings a smile to my face to think about being there as she experiences it. How could she NOT love it?

Today, it was a good day. Happy Birthday, mom.

Wet pillow

Woke up crying this morning. Not sure what is up with that. I mean, I'm aware of what is going on in my life, but since I usually deal with things with anger, I was surprised to find tears. It made me think about why I'm reacting the way I am.

Am I hurt about it all? Maybe a bit. I thought I was more relieved than anything else, but I think not knowing what the outcome is is starting to get to me. I fear a lack of closeness and I've got to get over that. It's interesting that I've always blamed one person for this entire fiasco but now see the blame also lies with someone else. I realize we weren't as close as I thought we were, and that realization is what hurts. I rethink what I've said, what I've done and try to find ways to blame myself because it just DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.

It's funny how hurt brings out the worst in all of us.

I get tired of faking it. I really do. I sometimes just want to unplug the phone so I don't have to act.

Not my cup of tea

Lately, as Brian has had to work longer hours, I have tried to help out by cooking meals at least two times a week. I know this doesn't seem much to most women out there, but it's a lot to me. I cannot stand cooking. I can't stand feeling like I'm strapped in one room with no way out for a couple of hours. I don't like the heat. I don't like the not knowing what I'm doing, and I especially don't like the idea of the lack of flavor, or something burnt having to go down my family's throat. I'm just not a cook. Thankfully my husband doesn't mind or we'd starve to death. I DO enjoy letting him rest when he comes home, however. That makes me feel accomplished.

The other day I had to cook something. It was last minute, and it actually turned out half way decent, but I was ENRAGED in the kitchen. I wasn't angry at any particular thing, just enraged that I was cooking. I beat the ever lasting shit out of everything I was preparing. Ha!

I'm going to try it again today. I'm starting early, hoping to cook in a crock pot so the feeling of being strapped in the kitchen isn't as strong. I'm hoping it turns out so there's a feeling of accomplishment rather than a strong feeling of failure. Wish me luck. (wish the meat luck, too)

Perception

Sometimes, I would like to scream at the world, "YOU DON'T KNOW ME!!!" and then realize, I don't know myself.