He's not coming. I called my brother yesterday, got his voicemail. Left him a message wanting to know if he was still going to be here, well, today. Told him that we'd figure out a way for him to get from Boulder to where my parents live.
He called and left me a message saying he was sick, his girlfriend is looking for a place to live in Cali, and that she wanted him to wait a couple more weeks. If I wouldn't have called him, we would have never known.
I'm not surprised. However, no matter how hard I try NOT to be hurt, I am hurt. He has always had that effect on me. While lying in bed last night, I went over things that I would love to say to him, but never have had the chance to. The questions always start out with "Why?" and "How?" Why have you decided to not be a part of our lives? Why have you let so much time go without trying to make things better? How can you NOT miss your family? Do you know you have three perfect nephews that would worship you...and you're missing it ALL? Do you know you have a family that would take you back like the prodigal son if you would just make the effort? Why are you the way you are? What do you tell your friends and girlfriend about us...that you never have contact with us? How could a woman be okay with that?
He said he's thinking of coming out in a couple of weeks. I do not believe him. He didn't call my mom on her birthday, nor did he try to contact us to say Happy Thanksgiving. It's more of the same. Distant. Self absorbed. I want to strangle him.
Friday, November 28, 2008
Thursday, November 27, 2008
5 things to be thankful for...
I woke up this morning, and decided that I would put some thought into what I am thankful for. There are more than five things, of course, but these are my TOP 5. In random order:
1. My husband. We've been married for almost 14 years. We have shared laughter, tears, arguments, make-up sex, down times, up times and flat times. He is my best friend. My hero in so many ways. He loves me with such strength that it's mind boggling. He loves my quirks (and I have many) and laughs at/with me at the best times. He is intelligent and sensitive and the opposite of me in almost every way, but somehow we are perfect for each other. I love you, Brian.
2. My kids. We started early, and so many people thought it was never meant to be, but 3 kids later, I wouldn't change how we started for anything. They each are unique. Different personalities, different characteristics. Each show us their love in different ways. I'm thankful they are healthy, smart, active young boys. Their is nothing like the love of boys for their mother.
3. Friends. There was a time in my life where I felt alone. That I had to do things on my own without any help. That I had to conquer my fears all by myself. Not anymore. I have a close group of friends that I call nearly daily. I have family in my life that are my best friends. I am so grateful that they show their unconditional love to me because I am not perfect and far from being so. I could not imagine going back to the time where I was alone. Thank you.
4. A place to live. All around me there are people losing their jobs, and losing their homes. Two years ago, I was hesitant to move in to my current home, but after taking the time to make it mine, I couldn't imagine living anywhere else. (well, if I won a million dollars, maybe...) I am so grateful for having a roof over my head. I am grateful to have heat during the cold days, and air conditioning during the hot ones! I am grateful for having a bed to sleep on during the night. I try not to take all of this for granted...especially when reaching into my refrigerator or pantry and knowing there is always somethng there to eat.
5. My family. This goes to my extended family on both sides. Of course my mom and dad who have always been there for me. Who love me with such great tenderness that it brings me to tears to write about it. My mom and dad who I couldn't imagine not here on this earth. I would die for them. My in-laws who I am happy to call mom and dad. I am so grateful that they are who they are. They would willingly give the shirts off their backs for their family. I also thank them for raising such a wonderful man. I owe them big time for that. My aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents. We have something unique, you all. A love for each other that motivates us to see each other every other year. The need to contact each other when our hearts are heavy. We know that we will be there for each other through anything. I don't see this closeness in a lot of families and revel in the uniqueness. We enjoy each other's company and love to laugh with one another. It is something to truly be thankful for.
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.
1. My husband. We've been married for almost 14 years. We have shared laughter, tears, arguments, make-up sex, down times, up times and flat times. He is my best friend. My hero in so many ways. He loves me with such strength that it's mind boggling. He loves my quirks (and I have many) and laughs at/with me at the best times. He is intelligent and sensitive and the opposite of me in almost every way, but somehow we are perfect for each other. I love you, Brian.
2. My kids. We started early, and so many people thought it was never meant to be, but 3 kids later, I wouldn't change how we started for anything. They each are unique. Different personalities, different characteristics. Each show us their love in different ways. I'm thankful they are healthy, smart, active young boys. Their is nothing like the love of boys for their mother.
3. Friends. There was a time in my life where I felt alone. That I had to do things on my own without any help. That I had to conquer my fears all by myself. Not anymore. I have a close group of friends that I call nearly daily. I have family in my life that are my best friends. I am so grateful that they show their unconditional love to me because I am not perfect and far from being so. I could not imagine going back to the time where I was alone. Thank you.
4. A place to live. All around me there are people losing their jobs, and losing their homes. Two years ago, I was hesitant to move in to my current home, but after taking the time to make it mine, I couldn't imagine living anywhere else. (well, if I won a million dollars, maybe...) I am so grateful for having a roof over my head. I am grateful to have heat during the cold days, and air conditioning during the hot ones! I am grateful for having a bed to sleep on during the night. I try not to take all of this for granted...especially when reaching into my refrigerator or pantry and knowing there is always somethng there to eat.
5. My family. This goes to my extended family on both sides. Of course my mom and dad who have always been there for me. Who love me with such great tenderness that it brings me to tears to write about it. My mom and dad who I couldn't imagine not here on this earth. I would die for them. My in-laws who I am happy to call mom and dad. I am so grateful that they are who they are. They would willingly give the shirts off their backs for their family. I also thank them for raising such a wonderful man. I owe them big time for that. My aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents. We have something unique, you all. A love for each other that motivates us to see each other every other year. The need to contact each other when our hearts are heavy. We know that we will be there for each other through anything. I don't see this closeness in a lot of families and revel in the uniqueness. We enjoy each other's company and love to laugh with one another. It is something to truly be thankful for.
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Morning joy
Last night (or should I say early this morning) I hear the tiny voice of Riordan saying my name from the side of the bed. "Mom, Mom, can I come up?" I groggily say, "Okay" and then pull back the warm blankets and have him climb up. He immediately takes the entire pillow, and my blankets and I listen to him fall asleep. Just like that. I lay there, listening to him breathe. I snuggle up to him to feel his warmth. I nuzzle his face because, even at 5, he has the certain smell that only young kids have. It's a combination of his shampoo, and 5-year-old. I realize that I won't be getting much sleep as he flings his arm and almost knocks me out.
Heh heh. This kid does not know how to share space in bed. I love him anyways.
Heh heh. This kid does not know how to share space in bed. I love him anyways.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Absolute fear
The boys got home from school. Riordan and Daegan are playing outside, Corrin is watching t.v. I go upstairs and start reading the many blogs that I read, plus a few more. Corrin comes upstairs and asks if he can spend the night over at his grandparents, I tell him to call and ask. The answer is yes, so he rides over to their house on his bike. Another five minutes pass and then I come downstairs and see Riordan, but no Daegan. I look outside in the back (by this time it's getting dark) and don't see or hear him. Sometimes the boys play football in the back in the dark (although this has become something of the past since Daegan ran into a tree stake a couple of months ago) so I called his name. Nothing. I go back inside and then go to the front and open the door and call his name. Nothing.
Now, if you have kids, you know sometimes they just do this. They know YOU don't know where they are, and they think it's the funniest thing in the world to listen to their parents call for them. I'm thinking at first this is what is going on. So, I go around the house on the inside and start calling his name. Looking in the closets, under the beds, downstairs in the basement. Still not hearing him. By this time, I'm getting angry. I call Brian. He asks me if I've said the obligatory "this isn't funny, and you're in trouble if you don't come out right now." I tell him I haven't and that I'll do that. 20 minutes have gone by with me continuously calling him outside and inside. I am now in the mommy freak-out mode. I can't find him ANYWHERE.
I call my father-in-law and ask if, by any reason, Daegan went to his house with Corrin. Nope. I start to cry. The blubbering, can't understand a single thing I'm saying type of cry. I happen to look up and see Daegan's face peering through the window of the front door. By this time I'm not sure if I want to strangle him or hug him. I hurriedly told my father-in-law that I found him and rushed to the door. Call Brian back and tell him I found him.
I then just sit there and cry. Daegan knows at this time he's in deep shit.
There is nothing at all worse than the fear of losing a child. This was the longest 20 minutes of my life.
To answer the question you're all thinking...yes...he's still alive. He said he didn't hear me calling him. I have no idea if this is the truth or not, but I'm guessing he won't be leaving the house without letting me know from now on.
Now, if you have kids, you know sometimes they just do this. They know YOU don't know where they are, and they think it's the funniest thing in the world to listen to their parents call for them. I'm thinking at first this is what is going on. So, I go around the house on the inside and start calling his name. Looking in the closets, under the beds, downstairs in the basement. Still not hearing him. By this time, I'm getting angry. I call Brian. He asks me if I've said the obligatory "this isn't funny, and you're in trouble if you don't come out right now." I tell him I haven't and that I'll do that. 20 minutes have gone by with me continuously calling him outside and inside. I am now in the mommy freak-out mode. I can't find him ANYWHERE.
I call my father-in-law and ask if, by any reason, Daegan went to his house with Corrin. Nope. I start to cry. The blubbering, can't understand a single thing I'm saying type of cry. I happen to look up and see Daegan's face peering through the window of the front door. By this time I'm not sure if I want to strangle him or hug him. I hurriedly told my father-in-law that I found him and rushed to the door. Call Brian back and tell him I found him.
I then just sit there and cry. Daegan knows at this time he's in deep shit.
There is nothing at all worse than the fear of losing a child. This was the longest 20 minutes of my life.
To answer the question you're all thinking...yes...he's still alive. He said he didn't hear me calling him. I have no idea if this is the truth or not, but I'm guessing he won't be leaving the house without letting me know from now on.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Shoes and the guilty shopper
I'm a woman and I am unique. I feel guilty shopping. If I buy for others, I enjoy it, but when it comes to me, I have to convince myself I'm worth it. I rarely spend more than $20 on a haircut. I don't get my nails done (although I splurge on pedicures once in awhile, but it's not for vanity...it kicks ass). If I dye my hair, I go to King Soopers and buy the box dye and do it myself. I just don't spend money on myself!
So...I happened to go into Famous Footwear the other day and my eyes fell upon a pair of Dr Martens. On sale. I tried them on. I loved them. I just couldn't fathom spending so much money on a pair of shoes. Yes, I need brown shoes. Yes, they were on sale. Yes, they were the style that I love. But $85!!! Wowzers. So, I left the store without shoes in hand.
Yesterday, I wore my brown boots all day. These boots are not the kind that you walk in for hours. They're cute, but they have a heel (which is something ELSE I don't do) and at the end of the night, my feet hurt, my calves hurt, and those brown Dr Martens were calling my name.
Today, I went out and bought them. Yes, I feel a bit guilty. But they are flat, comfortable and look adorable on my feet. I am happy.
So...I happened to go into Famous Footwear the other day and my eyes fell upon a pair of Dr Martens. On sale. I tried them on. I loved them. I just couldn't fathom spending so much money on a pair of shoes. Yes, I need brown shoes. Yes, they were on sale. Yes, they were the style that I love. But $85!!! Wowzers. So, I left the store without shoes in hand.
Yesterday, I wore my brown boots all day. These boots are not the kind that you walk in for hours. They're cute, but they have a heel (which is something ELSE I don't do) and at the end of the night, my feet hurt, my calves hurt, and those brown Dr Martens were calling my name.
Today, I went out and bought them. Yes, I feel a bit guilty. But they are flat, comfortable and look adorable on my feet. I am happy.
I should be cleaning
This past week has been a busy one. It's always crazy this time of year, I'm not sure why I'm even surprised. Yesterday, we went over to our best friends house. It was so good to see him. There were about 20 people that came over, to celebrate an early Thanksgiving with him before he heads out to Iraq. It's amazing to see how this one person has affected so many people. The love in the house was staggering. I know that I felt blessed to have one more day with him before he left. The kids...they're having a hard time with knowing he'll be gone for so long. Daegan especially. After everyone left, Gus took the kids downstairs to lift weights. Listening to it from upstairs left a smile on my face. Taking the time for that one last activity is SO Gus. We then watched Ren and Stimpy and then came home.
I talked to mom yesterday. She's still feeling the effects of the infection that she got. The other day dad had to drain the infection. It took him 45 minutes to get it all out. She's wanting to get out of the house, but gets so tired after a little time on her feet. She loves to go Christmas shopping, and was brought to tears with the idea she wouldn't be able to do it this year. I told her that she now will be like MOST people and wait until the last minute, and then do power shopping for two days. I told Brian that I'd like to spend the night and do a two-day shopping with her. The problem is, we don't know when she'll get her strength back, and so making plans is difficult.
Something I didn't write...Brian was hired back on as a contractor for the previous company that he worked for. We don't know how long the job will last...it could be 3months, it could be 6...but at least he's working through the Holiday's. This is one reason I haven't had the time to blog. The irony is great that he was hired back by the same company that just let him go. We are very thankful for the opportunity. This still allows him some time to search for another job, and it does great things for his self esteem. I miss him greatly, though. It was nice to have him home during his three week hiatus.
Looking forward to Thanksgiving. There are many, many things to be thankful for.
I talked to mom yesterday. She's still feeling the effects of the infection that she got. The other day dad had to drain the infection. It took him 45 minutes to get it all out. She's wanting to get out of the house, but gets so tired after a little time on her feet. She loves to go Christmas shopping, and was brought to tears with the idea she wouldn't be able to do it this year. I told her that she now will be like MOST people and wait until the last minute, and then do power shopping for two days. I told Brian that I'd like to spend the night and do a two-day shopping with her. The problem is, we don't know when she'll get her strength back, and so making plans is difficult.
Something I didn't write...Brian was hired back on as a contractor for the previous company that he worked for. We don't know how long the job will last...it could be 3months, it could be 6...but at least he's working through the Holiday's. This is one reason I haven't had the time to blog. The irony is great that he was hired back by the same company that just let him go. We are very thankful for the opportunity. This still allows him some time to search for another job, and it does great things for his self esteem. I miss him greatly, though. It was nice to have him home during his three week hiatus.
Looking forward to Thanksgiving. There are many, many things to be thankful for.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Birthdays
Today is my mom's birthday. I called her yesterday wanting to know if she was up to doing anything. She said she'd like a short visit from us...and a juicy hamburger. Her appetite isn't back to normal, she said something about her taste buds being screwed up, but she's wanting a hamburger. Her wish is my demand, we'll stop by Sonic to score one. She talked about her birthday, Thanksgiving and Christmas being sort of null and void this year. I asked her what she thought made a good Thanksgiving and Christmas and she answered, "being surrounded by family and friends." I told her that that was what was going to happen, that she was going to be better by this Christmas, and to never throw any time away.
She's feeling better. Got dressed yesterday rather than wear her comfy p.j.'s. The stitches still hurt to wear clothing, but it's getting better. She also fixed her hair and put some make-up on. She IS getting better. The best thing, though, is that mom and dad are a team now. Him and her against this "cancer". She brought up chemo and told me how terrified of it she was. She'll be meeting with her doctor about how to combat the fear. I wished out loud that he had some way to erase the memory of how her own mother suffered during chemo, and how that would make it easier. I'm thinking hypnotism, and I'm not joking. I also wish for my aunt to have it done. I can't imagine what it is like to take care of your mother during such a terrible time. I guess I will be seeing it for myself. All I want is for them to find a drug so she doesn't get sick!!
Anyway, I went to the store to pick out some birthday cards and I sat there crying. I always take about 15-20 minutes to pick out the perfect card. Hallmark has come a long way. They had some that talked about mom being her daughter's best friend. How she is always there for you during your time of need. How no matter what, your mom roots for you, during all times of bad decisions, curtain calls, etc. I just...am so thankful for her. The bad thoughts keep creeping in, and I know they'll be there...but they're coming in less and less. All I know is we need to be appreciative of every moment that we have. Every birthday is now a milestone of her being a survivor. For she IS a survivor, of the most incredible kind.
I picked out two good books for mom to read. One is There's No Place Like Hope by Vickie Girard and the other is Crazy Sexy Cancer Tips by Kris Carr. I felt both offered an optimistic way to handle the news, the sickness and the chemo. I'm not sure if she'll ever read them, but I found them written very well and suggest anyone who has a loved one who is a woman who was diagnosed with cancer to read them.
She's feeling better. Got dressed yesterday rather than wear her comfy p.j.'s. The stitches still hurt to wear clothing, but it's getting better. She also fixed her hair and put some make-up on. She IS getting better. The best thing, though, is that mom and dad are a team now. Him and her against this "cancer". She brought up chemo and told me how terrified of it she was. She'll be meeting with her doctor about how to combat the fear. I wished out loud that he had some way to erase the memory of how her own mother suffered during chemo, and how that would make it easier. I'm thinking hypnotism, and I'm not joking. I also wish for my aunt to have it done. I can't imagine what it is like to take care of your mother during such a terrible time. I guess I will be seeing it for myself. All I want is for them to find a drug so she doesn't get sick!!
Anyway, I went to the store to pick out some birthday cards and I sat there crying. I always take about 15-20 minutes to pick out the perfect card. Hallmark has come a long way. They had some that talked about mom being her daughter's best friend. How she is always there for you during your time of need. How no matter what, your mom roots for you, during all times of bad decisions, curtain calls, etc. I just...am so thankful for her. The bad thoughts keep creeping in, and I know they'll be there...but they're coming in less and less. All I know is we need to be appreciative of every moment that we have. Every birthday is now a milestone of her being a survivor. For she IS a survivor, of the most incredible kind.
I picked out two good books for mom to read. One is There's No Place Like Hope by Vickie Girard and the other is Crazy Sexy Cancer Tips by Kris Carr. I felt both offered an optimistic way to handle the news, the sickness and the chemo. I'm not sure if she'll ever read them, but I found them written very well and suggest anyone who has a loved one who is a woman who was diagnosed with cancer to read them.
Monday, November 17, 2008
God speaks through song
Hurt by Thousand Foot Krutch
Drop the ball, watch it fall far below
Suck you in, hold your breath
The undertow creeps in slow
Everyone owns a gun deep inside
It's just a matter of how much you let it slide
Drop the ball, watch it fall far below
Suck you in, hold your breath
The undertow creeps in slow
Everyone owns a gun deep inside
It's just a matter of how much you let it slide
Help me help you they wont be there
Help me help you they won't see
It hurts when you need me
And I can't break your fall
It hurts when you can't see
And it hurts
Drop the switch, scratch the itch, watch it grow
Inch by inch, the cutting board, watch it swing to and frau
Everyone carries one deep inside
It's just a matter of how much you let it slide
Wash it off, take the loss, let it go
Take it in, drink it up, we can just take it slow
Everyone carries one deep inside
It's just a matter of how much you let it slide
Help me help you they wont be there
Help me help you they won't see
It hurts when you need me
And I can't break your fall
It hurts when you can't see
And it hurts
It hurts when you need me
And I can't break your fall
It hurts when you can't see
And it hurts
And it hurts when you're lonely
And I'm standing right beside you there
And it hurt when you told me
That you told me that you tried this on your own
Hope you never hurt
Hope you never cry
Hope you never lose your way tonight
Hope you never crumble
Hope you never fall
Hope you never throw away the
Drop the ball, watch it fall far below
Suck you in, hold your breath, watch it swing
It hurts when you need me
And I can't break your fall
It hurts when you can't see
And it hurts
It hurts when you need me
And I can't break your fall
It hurts when you can't see
And it hurts
And it hurts
And it hurts
And it hurts
And it hurts
And it hurts
And it hurts
Drop the ball, watch it fall far below
Suck you in, hold your breath
The undertow creeps in slow
Everyone owns a gun deep inside
It's just a matter of how much you let it slide
Drop the ball, watch it fall far below
Suck you in, hold your breath
The undertow creeps in slow
Everyone owns a gun deep inside
It's just a matter of how much you let it slide
Help me help you they wont be there
Help me help you they won't see
It hurts when you need me
And I can't break your fall
It hurts when you can't see
And it hurts
Drop the switch, scratch the itch, watch it grow
Inch by inch, the cutting board, watch it swing to and frau
Everyone carries one deep inside
It's just a matter of how much you let it slide
Wash it off, take the loss, let it go
Take it in, drink it up, we can just take it slow
Everyone carries one deep inside
It's just a matter of how much you let it slide
Help me help you they wont be there
Help me help you they won't see
It hurts when you need me
And I can't break your fall
It hurts when you can't see
And it hurts
It hurts when you need me
And I can't break your fall
It hurts when you can't see
And it hurts
And it hurts when you're lonely
And I'm standing right beside you there
And it hurt when you told me
That you told me that you tried this on your own
Hope you never hurt
Hope you never cry
Hope you never lose your way tonight
Hope you never crumble
Hope you never fall
Hope you never throw away the
Drop the ball, watch it fall far below
Suck you in, hold your breath, watch it swing
It hurts when you need me
And I can't break your fall
It hurts when you can't see
And it hurts
It hurts when you need me
And I can't break your fall
It hurts when you can't see
And it hurts
And it hurts
And it hurts
And it hurts
And it hurts
And it hurts
And it hurts
Revelation
Why do these revelations always hit me while I'm in the shower??
Yeah. I'm pissed at God. It explains a lot.
Yeah. I'm pissed at God. It explains a lot.
Peace...what's that?
Visited a church for the second time yesterday. I left feeling...unsatisfied. I don't even know what I'm supposed to be doing there anymore, except what has been ingrained in me. Worship. I'm at a point in my life that it all seems, I don't know, important...necessary...but a waste of time. This scares me like you'd never believe. I feel as if I reach out...out...to forever, and can't quite grasp for whatever I'm reaching. I still believe in God. I call out to Him in struggle, I thank Him for my daily blessings. I just can't feel Him. I feel as if He has taken a vacation from being by my side.
For me, worship means singing. I love this band that is at the church we visited. They are talented, and obviously are worshipping. The group sang songs that I had never heard of, so I stood there and listened. Closed my eyes and breathed. It brought tears to my eyes, but I think it was mostly out of frustration, because I couldn't feel what I had felt before. For the longest time, listening to music at my other church would hurt my ears. It was distracting to me. At least when I joined Joyful Noise I could lend my talents to the group, but more importantly, not have the sound distract me from what I was there for. LOL. I could hear myself and a couple of others, and for the most part, it was good enough. I WOULD be worshipping. Then, the stress from my pastor...it ceased to be worshipping again. It's been a long time.
I am CRYING OUT. I am DESPERATE for some peace here, God. I wrote a quick blog on myspace about needing peace...and my hubby, so lovingly wrote, "Have you asked for it?" So, I made that part of my daily routine. Prayer to God as I was showering. "Please...please God. Take this ache away!!" Nothing. NOTHING!!! I feel my anxiety rise. I feel my stomach churning. I think, "Okay, I need to put myself in a place where I can feel you closer, going to a church."
NOTHING.
I hate this. Will I find it again? The place that God wants me to be? I'm surrounded by churches. Surely there is a place that is right for our family. A place that we can feel connected. ONE with our beliefs. ONE with the spirit.
For me, worship means singing. I love this band that is at the church we visited. They are talented, and obviously are worshipping. The group sang songs that I had never heard of, so I stood there and listened. Closed my eyes and breathed. It brought tears to my eyes, but I think it was mostly out of frustration, because I couldn't feel what I had felt before. For the longest time, listening to music at my other church would hurt my ears. It was distracting to me. At least when I joined Joyful Noise I could lend my talents to the group, but more importantly, not have the sound distract me from what I was there for. LOL. I could hear myself and a couple of others, and for the most part, it was good enough. I WOULD be worshipping. Then, the stress from my pastor...it ceased to be worshipping again. It's been a long time.
I am CRYING OUT. I am DESPERATE for some peace here, God. I wrote a quick blog on myspace about needing peace...and my hubby, so lovingly wrote, "Have you asked for it?" So, I made that part of my daily routine. Prayer to God as I was showering. "Please...please God. Take this ache away!!" Nothing. NOTHING!!! I feel my anxiety rise. I feel my stomach churning. I think, "Okay, I need to put myself in a place where I can feel you closer, going to a church."
NOTHING.
I hate this. Will I find it again? The place that God wants me to be? I'm surrounded by churches. Surely there is a place that is right for our family. A place that we can feel connected. ONE with our beliefs. ONE with the spirit.
