Where is my place of zen?

I am going batshit crazy over here! Birthday tomorrow, Christmas on Saturday ....I need a Xanax!

Life...it will get you everytime!

Highs and Lows

Today was a very hard day. I went to my friends funeral which they call a "Celebration of Life", but it was hard nonetheless. The saying goodbye ...missing someone. Doing too little, too late. I knew the end was near but stayed away because it was too close to home. I felt guilty because my mom is doing well, and she wasn't. Same cancer, same stage. What else is there left to say? So, with the guilt and the sadness, I said goodbye to a lovely woman that motivated me, inspired me, and made me wonder the beauty of life and absolute unfairness of it all. Why not a miracle? It's interesting because that was brought up at the funeral. How she never gave up and how the fact that we knew her and her struggle ...and her amazing relationship with God...she WAS a miracle. It was a lovely service. I am glad I went.

After the service I went to the school and brought Birthday treats for Riordan for an early Birthday celebration. Since his birthday's during Winter Break, we have to celebrate early. He LOVED it. He is such a mini me. Extreme high. I am so grateful to be be able to attend these fun parties for my son's! It made his day and I love helping him have a great day!

Later this week we have the Holiday Bazaar and the Christmas Party to prepare for. So much to do but so much fun to celebrate! So, long story short, I am exhausted. Wish I could sleep for a day.

Christmas is....

As another Christmas approaches, I get to contemplate. I have been so busy with the boys school activities, donating my time, redoing my family room (whoever says staying at home is boring obviously isn't doing it right...ha!) that I have to MAKE myself stop and reflect on the little things so I still appreciate Christmas. We get so wrapped up in Holiday parties and shopping that I feel we really need to stop, take a breath, and just enjoy each other. Last night we all got bundled up and went to our town's Festival of Lights. Expecting the older two to throw a fit, I was holding my breath, waiting for the outcries that they were too old. Nothing came. Not even a single complaint about dressing warmly! We all shuffled in the car, parked and then walked to the main street. Watched the street fill with people...huddled together for warmth. As we watched the floats go by, people would yell, "Merry Christmas!" and we would yell it back. I watched the boys have fun being kids. I appreciate that this might be our last year playing Santa, so we are revelling in the magic. I have the Christmas story brought out, just getting ready to read. Brian took Daegan out shopping today and Daegan came home with a huge smile on his face. Not only did he get to spend time with dad, but he got to get "really cool things for the family". He loves the picking out, and loves the anticipation of his brothers opening their gifts. Too much fun! As the boys get older, I tell them...

Christmas
is
enjoying each other
being thankful we are all together
counting our blessings
caring more about other's happiness over our own
sharing love
sharing Christ
loving one another
giving to those in need
swallowing pride
forgiving
remembering...

R.E.S.P.E.C.T

We have a teenager. That explains so much to so many. I am at this point where I wonder if I change tactics or keep on keepin on. I value the idea to allow him to speak his mind, but at what point does it become disrespectful to the parent? Same attitude, everyday. I love him with every ounce of my being. He is a joy to me in so many ways. Is it wrong for me to want to ship him off until he's 22? How to instill the idea to do for others because it makes them happy? Is this where someone points out that he is a teenager and the world revolves around him? Do I just accept that and wait until this stage is over?

I love it that he has the mentality that "they will like me for who I am or it's their loss". I love it that he has his own taste in music, his own career path, his own WAY. If he could just give with a happy heart. Is that a parenting failure or something that just IS? I tell my friends to not compare their children. Each one has their own personality. I have a people pleaser who wants to make others happy, a headstrong who says stay outta my way and a lover who is happy when others are happy. Trying to figure out discipline styles for each one while establishing and nurturing their love language is so hard!

I see all around me couples having babies and the only advice I have to them is to be consistent and love them deeply. This is the easy part. ;)

choices

Lately, i have been rethinking staying at home.  When initially making the decision, a lot of things were weighed. less money to do fun things. it would take longer to remodel our home. the house we buy would be smaller so we lived within our means.
i go back and forth because lately, the boys are wanting more and more. a new room they don't have to share. a laptop. things that cost money. we can no longer please them with a package of hot wheel cars.

it always comes down to material things.

i made a choice to be home for my kids. so if they call me from school because they are sick, i can be there in two minutes. if they had a rough day, i am there for them to talk to about it.

is it more important for me to be here when they need me? to have seen every tear, every first milestone, everything??? for me, yes. i wouldn't have changed anything. we all make choices about what is best for our families. mine is to continue to be home. I don't want to miss a thing.

The month of March and all that comes with it.

I have started working again!  Yay!  My body says, "Booo!"  Feeling the burn in every inch of my body, but that is normal.  It's interesting how before I would hate the feeling, and this time I know it's because I am working out my muscles, getting my body in shape.  I just might be ready for time at the gym. 

This past week I have been moving shrubs out of the protective hoop houses and out into our display area.  I love working on this project because there is order and consistency while working with my coworker Lisa.  Yesterday we received our perennial plugs to start in containers.  I get to see each and every perennial that comes in and salivate over all of the types.  Davey did a GREAT job at picking out perennials this year.  Lots of color variations.  Also different types for dry areas and wet.  I gave him a hard time because this year, instead of going crazy with buying perennials, the plan was to save money for hardwood floors.  Not nearly as much fun, but something that needs to be done!  In the meantime, I am seeing beautiful roses and perennials that make my fingers itch to plant!  We also have a great selection of seeds for the garden, including a lot of heirloom varieties.  I plan on starting some plants when I return from the mountains.

This weekend the family is traveling to Silverthorne, CO for our best friend's wedding.  Our friend Gus and his fiance Stacey (whom I LOVE) will be tying the knot.  We have a winter storm coming in, so we're trying to figure out travel arrangements getting up there.  The plan was to leave the boys at home (they have school on Friday) and then have my parents pick them up on their way up on Saturday.  My aunt happens to be coming in from Kansas City on Friday, so she was planning on staying at our house Friday night with the boys.  I still have no idea if this will work, so I am biting my nails as I wait for the outcome.  Due to the weather, my aunt could be late (which would mean the boys would be on their own, which I don't like), and my mom and dad might not come to the wedding at all.  The boys HAVE to be there, so Brian is talking of driving back down on Saturday to get them, and then coming back up for the wedding!!  Yikes!!  The major part of the storm is on Friday, right when we're driving up there.  This could make for an exciting weekend!

Today the plan is getting pedicures with Stacey and then watching Riordan in his "Barnyard Moosical" at the school.  He has been singing the songs for months now and is so excited for tonight!!  I am hoping to take some video clips to share on my blog.  Brian will be attending Gus' bachelor party, so who knows when I will see him again....;)

As for my health update...all in all I am better.  I still cannot eat anything fried (which isn't much of a loss) and also extremely spicy foods cause me pain.  However, I am able to eat everything else without problems.  I am hoping that my doctor's idea of a supplement will help me digest foods easier, so my life gets back on track.  Seeing the chiropractor has completely gotten rid of the tingling and numbness in my hands and feet, and I now am on a every two week schedule to see him (although I made an appointment for today because I need to be readjusted after starting work...ha!)  I would like to ask the doctor how I can have pain exactly where my gallbladder USED to be, when it's not there anymore.  It's weird.

After the wedding is done, I am looking forward to my birthday (okay, celebrating it, not the actual number going up) and then it's Daegan's birthday.  Lots of things to look forward to in the upcoming months!!!

Getting to listen to Lauren :)

I had the pleasure of listening to Lauren Springer Ogden and her husband Scott Ogden speak at the Pro Green expo yesterday.  One of the things that I appreciate most about these two is the fact that they actually use PLANTS in their landscape.  Too often we are seeing a huge splurge on "outdoor living spaces" that include hardscapes without plants to soften the area up.  Now, I love some of the outdoor living spaces, and most people that know me know that I cannot wait to build our deck out in the back to be able to spend more time outdoors.  But to me, what is the point of having an outdoor space if there is nothing to look at?

Lauren and Scott (look at me, I'm using their first names!) have what I believe is a half acre in Fort Collins, Co.  When showing their slides, it looked over three acres because they have so many plants.  Their use of texture, color, new plants and old inspires me to keep doing what I am doing in my own yard, along with offering the advice to my friends to do the same.  Now, there isn't an ounce of grass (besides ornamentals) that I saw in their back yard.  Not everyone is willing to forgo grass.  However, they had plenty of gathering spaces within their yard to enjoy the sites.

Their key points were:

Putting plants first.
I explained a little about that above.  If you're going to provide an outdoor living space, provide the plants to go with it.  They said, "plants are partners in the design rather than subordinate to it". 

Gardening where you are
Plant plants that work where you are putting them!  Hot, dry areas...plant plants that will make it!  There is nothing more frustrating than to keep planting every year because you like a plant there, but it's not the right place for that particular plant.  If in doubt, ask!  It's amazing how adaptable plants are here in CO, but they aren't superhuman.  Find the plants right for the area.

Meeting climate challenges
Plant NATIVE.  We all like to try new things as gardeners, and it gives us a cheap thrill.  To have a successful garden, plant native plants that thrive with each other.  If you have a large budget, plant those new plants.  Otherwise, stick to the ones that have been around forever!

Celebrating sensuality
Plant a lot of one plant here and there.  Celebrate the light that we naturally get in Colorado in those late summers.  Have the plants play off of each other. Find plants that have , and plant them in a place that you can smell it!  Since we have cooler summers, find those plants that really show off their stuff in the late afternoons and evenings.  You will be rewarded!

Connecting with Oneself and others
Provide invitations in your garden.  Have a bench far off to invite people to go through the gardens.  Plant a large bush that people have to go beyond to see what's further in.

Provide plants that wildlife want to come to!  Bees, hummingbirds, butterflies, other birds.  This is a sanctuary for not only you, but for those that are living around you.

All in all, the shop was nothing that I hadn't heard before (I have read all of their books), but it enforces what I believe in as a designer.  Plant what works, use the spaces you have wisely, and don't just plant for yourself!

Where to start?

I will start with some awesome news, because I always love writing about positive things. My niece was born! Adilynne Laurel Hunter was born on January 19. She is beautiful, healthy, and quite the eater! I have had the opportunity to spend tons of time with her, and she already has me wrapped around her little finger. She has the screwing up the face in a pout before she starts crying, and I am seriously feeling for her parents. Who can resist a face like that??  I am enjoying being an aunt (again), and love having babies to hold without being the actual parent!  I even can be counted on being the diaper changer to give the parents a break! :)

I am still recovering from my surgery. All in all it was a pretty simple procedure.  I only have on owie that is healing (which is my bellybutton) because I was a candidate to do that type of laproscopic surgery.  I feel like I have this little owie and a HUGE stomach due to the fact that everything is still swollen.  The worse part of the actual aftermath of surgery was the gas pains that happen since they blow up your stomach with gas to get to all of your parts.  NOT something I would want to go through again.  I am healing.  Slowly.  Trying to take it easy because I still am getting tired by 2:00 p.m.  I've had some problems with digesting things still, which really pisses me off, but I am hoping that will get better. 

The new problem is, I have been having problems with pains in my legs, along with numbness and tingling.  I have been told time and time again that this has NOTHING to do with the surgery (which I finally believe) but am impatiently waiting to figure out what is going on with me.  I have started seeing a new chiropractor (whom I just love) and he is trying to figure it all out.  With the numbness is the fear that I might have Multiple Sclerosis and so I am having an MRI next month just to rule that out.  I am not too concerned about that. but still would like to have the test since my mom was diagnosed about this time in her life.  After seeing the chiro, I am seeing some changes (baby steps!) and am hoping I am on the road to recovery. 

I would like to feel normal again.  I would like to feel 34 rather than 70.  I cannot wait for the day that I wake up and don't have to take a pain reliever! Ha! 

I am attending the Pro Green Expo which gets me so excited to start back up at Picadilly.  We actually have a booth this year, and it's been fun hanging out with the crew again.  I have been a little disappointed in the classes this year, but I am a firm believer that if you gain ONE ounce of knowledge per day, it's a good day.  I have picked up some new things, and I am grateful for the opportunity that working at Picadilly gives me.  Tomorrow I get to hear Lauren Springer and her husband Scott do a lecture on Plant Driven Design.  I am so excited to hear what they have to say.  I hold both of them with the highest regard!  Both as designers and with their overwhelming knowledge they have of plants that work in Colorado.  Needless to say, I am way excited!

Other than these things, my life has been dull.  As I said, I'm taking it easy which is extremely hard for me.  I am usually running around the house with a million things to do, and I've been catching up on reading and movies the past couple of weeks.  It's a hard life.  ;)

200th post

Yay!

Surgery scheduled for the 26th of this month. This makes me happy.

Decision

I met with the surgeon yesterday after finding out I indeed have gallstones. However, the surgeon called it sludge which I am guessing is a lot of small gallstones. After weighing my options, I have decided to have the surgery. I'm a little wary of the people who have said that they still have pain even after the surgery, but I'm hoping that they were a little further gone than I am. I just know that I can't eat like this anymore. It brings me to tears. Maybe I'm just being ridiculous, but I can't live off of salads. My weight is dropping off like crazy, and I didn't have a lot of weight to lose. I am not happy with this, and all I can do is hope that the surgery works. I'm hoping the "surgery scheduler" will be calling me very, very soon, because I know I will have to wait a bit for the surgery anyways. I just want all of this to be over. The pain is horrendous, and I'm eating RIGHT. Everything seems to be giving me pain now.

For those that travel from blotanical

I feel like I'm a bit of a liar as you visit my site. I am a HUGE gardener, love everything about it, work at a nursery and during the spring through fall months, my blog is pretty much ALL about gardening. However, I also live in Colorado where there is not a lot going on in my gardens (read...nothing) the months of November through March, so I tend to talk about my family, other things happening in my life, friends and just about nothing. If you are visiting, please look under the topics, and you might find what you're looking for. I have tried to get better and label them appropriately, but am a busy mother of three and haven't had time to finish all of them. Welcome to this webpage! Come back and visit in March! :)

Vegan?

I ended up calling another doctor's office and got in earlier the same day I had the other appointment at the other doctor's office. I really wanted to say a big "screw you!!" to the previous doctor's office, but will instead be a bigger person and just ask for my records. The new doctor's office has a wonderful staff, wonderful doctor. Immediately had blood work done (which came back fine) and am scheduled to go in for an ultrasound Monday morning. He is thinking it's gallstones. Now, of all the things it could be, that isn't the worst, but because of what causes the PAIN from gallstones, I am now a vegan. Ugh. No animal products. I tasted soy milk for the first time this morning. Tried to get past the yellowish color that it was. Not bad, but it's not milk.

The boys and Brian are ready for me to be able to eat normally. When there is only two of you, you can pretty much cook for yourself and then for the other, but when there's more than just two, that's a lot of extra work to do, so the boys have been eating what I am able to eat. Brian and Daegan went to the store and bought makings for a fantastic salad (day 3 of eating salads for lunch and/or dinner). He also bought the soy milk, no cholesterol butter and other things that made him feel really, really old. Ha! I appreciate his trying to make me feel better, I really do. It might kill me right now to see them eating a pizza at this time. Or hot wings, which is something Corrin is asking for daily. My kids are traitors. ;)

Truthfully, this whole thing has made me rethink what I have been eating. I believe the bloodwork would have shown high cholesterol if I had it, but we still eat lots of meat and dairy, and should be eating more salads that consist more than a couple of vegetables. We eat canned and frozen veggies as sides, but rarely eat fresh ones (unless it's the summer, we eat alot of fresh things then). I don't think we eat UNhealthy, we could just eat healthier.

I do miss cheese. A lot. And a cheeseburger sounds delightful right now. I will continue to eat this way until I figure out what exactly is going on because the pain has almost stopped. I just have the occasional sharp pains in my abdominal area. Even after the ultrasound, there is the chance that 1) I DO have gallstones and they are small, which means they can give me a medicine to help shrink them and I continue to eat the way I am for awhile 2) I have large gallstones and damage to my gallbladder which means I have to have surgery, and have to continue to eat the way I am until surgery or 3) it's NOT gallstones and we have more tests to do and I continue to eat the way that I am eating until we figure out what the problem is.

Yeah, I'm a bit pissy.

Switcheroo

With the current temps at -4 and the high of only 9, I have to try to reschedule my doctor's appt. The boys can't walk home in this weather. The more I think about how upset I was the day I called to make an appointment, the more I realize I have put up with that doctor's office long enough. If I can't get into another doctor today, I will plead with the current office to fit me in somewhere else. It is such a pain to switch doctors, but since I really got on my mom's case a few years ago to switch, I should follow my own advice. I PAY them to take care of me. I expect better service from them and I shouldn't have to put up with the long times on hold, the longer times waiting in the waiting room, and then the rude behavior from the front office and nurses. Time to switch!

Today was better

The doctor's office was not able to see me until Thursday at 3:00 p.m. The woman that I talked to on the phone suggested that I go to the ER. Um...no. What could they do for me? Hydrate me with an IV and then I'd sit there for 5 hours! I decided to call other doctors within the area, but none could see me, so I am eating light meals that are bland and hoping for the best until Thursday. I am feeling better with eating like that, so I'll be able to tell the doctor that. Not sure if it's gallstones, an ulcer or a weird stomach flu, but I have to function. I did get to the store today which was a HUGE feat! Got food for the boys and Brian and got me some things that I could eat during the day and evening. I know it's better because steak sounded good. I can't eat it, but it sounded yummy. I just want to get better before Friday because that is when Brian and I are celebrating our 15 Anniversary!

I ate a bowl of rice and was full half way through. Not good. However, I've also had a banana, some yogurt and lots of liquid during the day. I was also able to take a nap which is why I'm still awake now, so that helped a lot!

Keep praying, guys. I've loved the phone calls and appreciate the well wishes. I have to say, I won't be able to eat like this forever, so I hope they find out what is wrong! I enjoy the flavor of food too much!!

Last night was bad. Serious pain in my stomach. Stomach gurgling. Up from 3 am on. Would try to lie on my side and it was worse, especially my right side. Nausea doesn't make me worried. Sharp pains do. Skipping coffee completely this morning, scared what it will do to me!

Sick

Since Dec. 26 I have had problems with nausea, feeling light headed, lack of appetite. After putting up with it for a couple of days, it seemed to go away. I then had diarreah (I know, TMI) for several days, but the nausea seemed to go away. Daegan then had diarreah, so I thought I had some sort of bug that was passed on. I wake up feeling nauseous, then it seems to go away for a little bit and then comes back. I have no idea what is going on, but when I did research about how long stomach flu lasts, it said it could last up to 10 days, so I've held off going to the doctor. I'm on day 10, and am making myself eat because I need to, but nothing sounds good. The thought of food makes me ill. I have not thrown up during this entire ordeal. I sometimes have just a rumbling stomach, sometimes pain in my right side like a stitch, sometimes have heartburn. Sometimes sharp pain in my abdominal region. Multiple symptoms that aren't happening every day. It is impossible to diagnose over the internet because all of these symptoms could be several things. Today I had fried chicken for lunch, took a nap and woke up feeling terrible. I will try to stay away from greasy foods for the time being. I've been drinking small amounts of coffee in the morning, but have completely taken caffeine out of my diet the rest of the day.

I really do NOT believe that I am pregnant since the symptoms started two days after my last period. After being pregnant three times, you realize that you miss your period and THEN the nausea starts happening. It is a slight fear, because we really are done, but I've wasted a lot of money on pregnancy tests and I really believe it is something else.

Tomorrow I hope to get in to the doctor, but after reading several posts on forums, it doesn't look like they'll be able to help right away. In the meantime, I can't make myself go to the store to stock up on food (stomach roll), and I'm so tired! Things aren't getting done around the house which makes me feel guilty. Brian showed signs of being annoyed this evening, which I GET, because when he was really sick awhile ago, I got annoyed, too. Mostly because we feel helpless that we can't make it better, plus it's just annoying having to deal with someone that is sick constantly. I get that. If I could feel better right now I would!

I have no idea what to do. I'm hoping the doctor will have a suggestion.

Confrontation

I am wondering, is there a point where you are TOO truthful? I am proud of the fact that I am truthful, but I wonder if I am too truthful. I sometimes say things that might seem hurtful when I don't mean them to be, but I am under the impression that I would much rather hear the truth than guess. I also know that when someone tells me that I either pissed them off, or hurt them, or anything at all, that it helps THEM when they unload and talk of the hurt that they feel. I love these people enough that I will take their hurt, take the criticism, take their pain, and make them feel better by unloading their burdens.

I know that within my group of friends that I am known for saying it the way it is, but I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing. I try to be tactful. The joke was that I can say "no" when I don't want to do something when other people have problems saying that. That they never have to guess where I am coming from because I tell them. I am in the process of trying to teach a friend how to be more vocal. Her feelings are there, but she's not sure how to be confrontational about things.

I'm to the age where I don't need games. I don't need to mince words. I want strong relationships that can endure the truth. I believe I have surrounded myself with people that not only appreciate that, but can stand it. I am a very lucky person indeed.

God. I'm such a hypocrite. Here I'm being vague with what I'm talking about for fear of hurting someone else as I write this. Guess I'm not that honest after all.