A question NOT to ask your spouse ie. "loaded questions"

So, we're sitting around the dinner table, talking about a show called The Walking Dead. There is the main character, his wife and his best friend. We find out that the wife thought the main character (her hubby) had died and then starts to sleep with his best friend. Okay. I get it (sorta). Sadness. End of the world as we know it. Not sure how much time has passed so we'll let this go.

By season 6, we find out that somewhere between 30-45 days went by before she slept with her hubby's best friend. What? That can't be right. I don't like the main character's wife anymore....especially when we find out that the main character finds his wife, son AND best friend with other survivors...and no one says anything. No one comes clean. Boooooo.

So, I am talking about this, at dinner, and Brian says, "It's the apocalypse. Give her a break." Needing to argue for whatever reason and because in 16 years I've never asked, I ask, "Well how long would YOU wait until after I died to either meet someone else, or you know...do the deed? Never mind the apocalypse. How long?"

He says, "It would depend."

WHAT????? Stop the press. I'm pissed already. But, instead of ending it there, I say, "Well, I'd be willing to give you, oh, you know, 90 days to grieve."

He then says, "Each person grieves differently. I don't know how long it would take, but you're being ridiculous on giving a set time."

I left the table. lol

This is how I heard it. "I don't love you enough to know for certain that I would grieve for a long time."

This is what I was hoping he would say, "It would take a very long time to stop grieving for you. I don't know how long, but just the idea of you dying makes a tear come to my eye. I wouldn't even THINK of dating anyone else. For quite awhile."

Women. Why do we ask these questions that really, there is no right answer? Hence...loaded question. I wouldn't want him to grieve forever. I would want him to find someone else...eventually. I just wanted to know that the loss of me would be devastating. He didn't answer it wrong. I heard it wrong.

After being extremely pissed all that night and then most of the day (Brian had the Friday off) we finally talk about it again and said the "right" things.

Don't ask questions that you aren't sure how they are going to answer.

Here's a list:

What really happened at your bachelor party?
Do you think I need to lose a little weight?
Am I turning out like my mom?

Please feel free to add more. :P

Confrontation

I am wondering, is there a point where you are TOO truthful? I am proud of the fact that I am truthful, but I wonder if I am too truthful. I sometimes say things that might seem hurtful when I don't mean them to be, but I am under the impression that I would much rather hear the truth than guess. I also know that when someone tells me that I either pissed them off, or hurt them, or anything at all, that it helps THEM when they unload and talk of the hurt that they feel. I love these people enough that I will take their hurt, take the criticism, take their pain, and make them feel better by unloading their burdens.

I know that within my group of friends that I am known for saying it the way it is, but I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing. I try to be tactful. The joke was that I can say "no" when I don't want to do something when other people have problems saying that. That they never have to guess where I am coming from because I tell them. I am in the process of trying to teach a friend how to be more vocal. Her feelings are there, but she's not sure how to be confrontational about things.

I'm to the age where I don't need games. I don't need to mince words. I want strong relationships that can endure the truth. I believe I have surrounded myself with people that not only appreciate that, but can stand it. I am a very lucky person indeed.

God. I'm such a hypocrite. Here I'm being vague with what I'm talking about for fear of hurting someone else as I write this. Guess I'm not that honest after all.

Wet pillow

Woke up crying this morning. Not sure what is up with that. I mean, I'm aware of what is going on in my life, but since I usually deal with things with anger, I was surprised to find tears. It made me think about why I'm reacting the way I am.

Am I hurt about it all? Maybe a bit. I thought I was more relieved than anything else, but I think not knowing what the outcome is is starting to get to me. I fear a lack of closeness and I've got to get over that. It's interesting that I've always blamed one person for this entire fiasco but now see the blame also lies with someone else. I realize we weren't as close as I thought we were, and that realization is what hurts. I rethink what I've said, what I've done and try to find ways to blame myself because it just DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.

It's funny how hurt brings out the worst in all of us.

I get tired of faking it. I really do. I sometimes just want to unplug the phone so I don't have to act.

Perception

Sometimes, I would like to scream at the world, "YOU DON'T KNOW ME!!!" and then realize, I don't know myself.

Memorable quote

I read a book yesterday by one of my favorite authors James Patterson. Mr. Patterson normally writes suspenseful mysteries or murder crime books and I love them, but yesterday I picked up a book called Sundays at Tiffany's,

The book was written after a statement that Mr. Patterson's son had said when very young. "Love means you can never be apart." During the book, that theme resonated and it was actually a love story, but boy, did that statement affect me like no other.

What does it mean to love? For me, there are quite a few different kinds of love. You've got your agape. Your unconditional. Your eros. Platonic. Familial. Religious. The way a mother loves her child. When looking up the definition, it's hard to define what love truly is. To really know, is to have really loved.

"Love isn't blind, it just only sees what matters."

"Love is friendship, friendship is love.
If love fails, friendship should remain.
For friendship is the foundation of love."

"A meeting between two beings
who complete one another,
who are made for
each other, borders already,
in my opinion, on a miracle."

"Love is like an eternal flame,
Once it is lit, it will continue to burn for all time."

These are, of course, talking of the eros love, but the idea is the same with all loves. Once you really feel love, it won't leave you. It will stay with you forever.

With all that is happening in my life, I need to remember this. Loss is huge. All encompassing. However, the idea of love never being able to be taken away from you is so powerful, it heals my heart.

14 years

Yeah, I'll toot my own horn a bit. I think it's huge to make it this far in this day and age. Divorce still at 50%. Absolutely asinine. People ask me how do we do it, and so I'm going to write a bit of sage advice that I've learned from 14 years of marriage. Here goes:

1. Communication. All old married couples say this, but it's absolutely true. I don't care if it's a knock down fight or quietly expressing your views, you've got to communicate. WITH this, you have to listen and respect the views of your spouse. If it's all one-sided, it ceases to be communication and becomes nagging.

2. Absolutely believe your spouse is capable of anything. My hubby is my warrior. The smartest and most talented man on the face of this Earth. I believe if he wants something, he can achieve it. He's superman. I'm his biggest fan.

3. Don't belittle your spouse. Respect one another with what you say to each other.

4. Love them with everything you have so it withstands the bad days. You're gonna have them. Annoying little habits. Saying trite things. This is YOU I'm talking abnout. You expect your spouse to love you even though you make mistakes, don't they deserve the same love back?

5. Make your spouse number one. I have a hard time with this one. Three kids to occupy my time. Family everywhere. He still needs to be the first thing I think about in the morning and before I go to bed.

6. Find things to do together that you both enjoy.

7. Love their mother-in-law or at least put up with her with a smile on your face.

8. Make time for each other.

9. Say "I love you" everyday before they leave for work, the house, etc. You never know if it's the last thing you'll say to them.

10. Don't ever let them hear you talk ill of them in front of another person.

11. Having God in your marriage.