He's not coming. I called my brother yesterday, got his voicemail. Left him a message wanting to know if he was still going to be here, well, today. Told him that we'd figure out a way for him to get from Boulder to where my parents live.
He called and left me a message saying he was sick, his girlfriend is looking for a place to live in Cali, and that she wanted him to wait a couple more weeks. If I wouldn't have called him, we would have never known.
I'm not surprised. However, no matter how hard I try NOT to be hurt, I am hurt. He has always had that effect on me. While lying in bed last night, I went over things that I would love to say to him, but never have had the chance to. The questions always start out with "Why?" and "How?" Why have you decided to not be a part of our lives? Why have you let so much time go without trying to make things better? How can you NOT miss your family? Do you know you have three perfect nephews that would worship you...and you're missing it ALL? Do you know you have a family that would take you back like the prodigal son if you would just make the effort? Why are you the way you are? What do you tell your friends and girlfriend about us...that you never have contact with us? How could a woman be okay with that?
He said he's thinking of coming out in a couple of weeks. I do not believe him. He didn't call my mom on her birthday, nor did he try to contact us to say Happy Thanksgiving. It's more of the same. Distant. Self absorbed. I want to strangle him.
Friday, November 28, 2008
Thursday, November 27, 2008
5 things to be thankful for...
I woke up this morning, and decided that I would put some thought into what I am thankful for. There are more than five things, of course, but these are my TOP 5. In random order:
1. My husband. We've been married for almost 14 years. We have shared laughter, tears, arguments, make-up sex, down times, up times and flat times. He is my best friend. My hero in so many ways. He loves me with such strength that it's mind boggling. He loves my quirks (and I have many) and laughs at/with me at the best times. He is intelligent and sensitive and the opposite of me in almost every way, but somehow we are perfect for each other. I love you, Brian.
2. My kids. We started early, and so many people thought it was never meant to be, but 3 kids later, I wouldn't change how we started for anything. They each are unique. Different personalities, different characteristics. Each show us their love in different ways. I'm thankful they are healthy, smart, active young boys. Their is nothing like the love of boys for their mother.
3. Friends. There was a time in my life where I felt alone. That I had to do things on my own without any help. That I had to conquer my fears all by myself. Not anymore. I have a close group of friends that I call nearly daily. I have family in my life that are my best friends. I am so grateful that they show their unconditional love to me because I am not perfect and far from being so. I could not imagine going back to the time where I was alone. Thank you.
4. A place to live. All around me there are people losing their jobs, and losing their homes. Two years ago, I was hesitant to move in to my current home, but after taking the time to make it mine, I couldn't imagine living anywhere else. (well, if I won a million dollars, maybe...) I am so grateful for having a roof over my head. I am grateful to have heat during the cold days, and air conditioning during the hot ones! I am grateful for having a bed to sleep on during the night. I try not to take all of this for granted...especially when reaching into my refrigerator or pantry and knowing there is always somethng there to eat.
5. My family. This goes to my extended family on both sides. Of course my mom and dad who have always been there for me. Who love me with such great tenderness that it brings me to tears to write about it. My mom and dad who I couldn't imagine not here on this earth. I would die for them. My in-laws who I am happy to call mom and dad. I am so grateful that they are who they are. They would willingly give the shirts off their backs for their family. I also thank them for raising such a wonderful man. I owe them big time for that. My aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents. We have something unique, you all. A love for each other that motivates us to see each other every other year. The need to contact each other when our hearts are heavy. We know that we will be there for each other through anything. I don't see this closeness in a lot of families and revel in the uniqueness. We enjoy each other's company and love to laugh with one another. It is something to truly be thankful for.
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.
1. My husband. We've been married for almost 14 years. We have shared laughter, tears, arguments, make-up sex, down times, up times and flat times. He is my best friend. My hero in so many ways. He loves me with such strength that it's mind boggling. He loves my quirks (and I have many) and laughs at/with me at the best times. He is intelligent and sensitive and the opposite of me in almost every way, but somehow we are perfect for each other. I love you, Brian.
2. My kids. We started early, and so many people thought it was never meant to be, but 3 kids later, I wouldn't change how we started for anything. They each are unique. Different personalities, different characteristics. Each show us their love in different ways. I'm thankful they are healthy, smart, active young boys. Their is nothing like the love of boys for their mother.
3. Friends. There was a time in my life where I felt alone. That I had to do things on my own without any help. That I had to conquer my fears all by myself. Not anymore. I have a close group of friends that I call nearly daily. I have family in my life that are my best friends. I am so grateful that they show their unconditional love to me because I am not perfect and far from being so. I could not imagine going back to the time where I was alone. Thank you.
4. A place to live. All around me there are people losing their jobs, and losing their homes. Two years ago, I was hesitant to move in to my current home, but after taking the time to make it mine, I couldn't imagine living anywhere else. (well, if I won a million dollars, maybe...) I am so grateful for having a roof over my head. I am grateful to have heat during the cold days, and air conditioning during the hot ones! I am grateful for having a bed to sleep on during the night. I try not to take all of this for granted...especially when reaching into my refrigerator or pantry and knowing there is always somethng there to eat.
5. My family. This goes to my extended family on both sides. Of course my mom and dad who have always been there for me. Who love me with such great tenderness that it brings me to tears to write about it. My mom and dad who I couldn't imagine not here on this earth. I would die for them. My in-laws who I am happy to call mom and dad. I am so grateful that they are who they are. They would willingly give the shirts off their backs for their family. I also thank them for raising such a wonderful man. I owe them big time for that. My aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents. We have something unique, you all. A love for each other that motivates us to see each other every other year. The need to contact each other when our hearts are heavy. We know that we will be there for each other through anything. I don't see this closeness in a lot of families and revel in the uniqueness. We enjoy each other's company and love to laugh with one another. It is something to truly be thankful for.
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Morning joy
Last night (or should I say early this morning) I hear the tiny voice of Riordan saying my name from the side of the bed. "Mom, Mom, can I come up?" I groggily say, "Okay" and then pull back the warm blankets and have him climb up. He immediately takes the entire pillow, and my blankets and I listen to him fall asleep. Just like that. I lay there, listening to him breathe. I snuggle up to him to feel his warmth. I nuzzle his face because, even at 5, he has the certain smell that only young kids have. It's a combination of his shampoo, and 5-year-old. I realize that I won't be getting much sleep as he flings his arm and almost knocks me out.
Heh heh. This kid does not know how to share space in bed. I love him anyways.
Heh heh. This kid does not know how to share space in bed. I love him anyways.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Absolute fear
The boys got home from school. Riordan and Daegan are playing outside, Corrin is watching t.v. I go upstairs and start reading the many blogs that I read, plus a few more. Corrin comes upstairs and asks if he can spend the night over at his grandparents, I tell him to call and ask. The answer is yes, so he rides over to their house on his bike. Another five minutes pass and then I come downstairs and see Riordan, but no Daegan. I look outside in the back (by this time it's getting dark) and don't see or hear him. Sometimes the boys play football in the back in the dark (although this has become something of the past since Daegan ran into a tree stake a couple of months ago) so I called his name. Nothing. I go back inside and then go to the front and open the door and call his name. Nothing.
Now, if you have kids, you know sometimes they just do this. They know YOU don't know where they are, and they think it's the funniest thing in the world to listen to their parents call for them. I'm thinking at first this is what is going on. So, I go around the house on the inside and start calling his name. Looking in the closets, under the beds, downstairs in the basement. Still not hearing him. By this time, I'm getting angry. I call Brian. He asks me if I've said the obligatory "this isn't funny, and you're in trouble if you don't come out right now." I tell him I haven't and that I'll do that. 20 minutes have gone by with me continuously calling him outside and inside. I am now in the mommy freak-out mode. I can't find him ANYWHERE.
I call my father-in-law and ask if, by any reason, Daegan went to his house with Corrin. Nope. I start to cry. The blubbering, can't understand a single thing I'm saying type of cry. I happen to look up and see Daegan's face peering through the window of the front door. By this time I'm not sure if I want to strangle him or hug him. I hurriedly told my father-in-law that I found him and rushed to the door. Call Brian back and tell him I found him.
I then just sit there and cry. Daegan knows at this time he's in deep shit.
There is nothing at all worse than the fear of losing a child. This was the longest 20 minutes of my life.
To answer the question you're all thinking...yes...he's still alive. He said he didn't hear me calling him. I have no idea if this is the truth or not, but I'm guessing he won't be leaving the house without letting me know from now on.
Now, if you have kids, you know sometimes they just do this. They know YOU don't know where they are, and they think it's the funniest thing in the world to listen to their parents call for them. I'm thinking at first this is what is going on. So, I go around the house on the inside and start calling his name. Looking in the closets, under the beds, downstairs in the basement. Still not hearing him. By this time, I'm getting angry. I call Brian. He asks me if I've said the obligatory "this isn't funny, and you're in trouble if you don't come out right now." I tell him I haven't and that I'll do that. 20 minutes have gone by with me continuously calling him outside and inside. I am now in the mommy freak-out mode. I can't find him ANYWHERE.
I call my father-in-law and ask if, by any reason, Daegan went to his house with Corrin. Nope. I start to cry. The blubbering, can't understand a single thing I'm saying type of cry. I happen to look up and see Daegan's face peering through the window of the front door. By this time I'm not sure if I want to strangle him or hug him. I hurriedly told my father-in-law that I found him and rushed to the door. Call Brian back and tell him I found him.
I then just sit there and cry. Daegan knows at this time he's in deep shit.
There is nothing at all worse than the fear of losing a child. This was the longest 20 minutes of my life.
To answer the question you're all thinking...yes...he's still alive. He said he didn't hear me calling him. I have no idea if this is the truth or not, but I'm guessing he won't be leaving the house without letting me know from now on.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Shoes and the guilty shopper
I'm a woman and I am unique. I feel guilty shopping. If I buy for others, I enjoy it, but when it comes to me, I have to convince myself I'm worth it. I rarely spend more than $20 on a haircut. I don't get my nails done (although I splurge on pedicures once in awhile, but it's not for vanity...it kicks ass). If I dye my hair, I go to King Soopers and buy the box dye and do it myself. I just don't spend money on myself!
So...I happened to go into Famous Footwear the other day and my eyes fell upon a pair of Dr Martens. On sale. I tried them on. I loved them. I just couldn't fathom spending so much money on a pair of shoes. Yes, I need brown shoes. Yes, they were on sale. Yes, they were the style that I love. But $85!!! Wowzers. So, I left the store without shoes in hand.
Yesterday, I wore my brown boots all day. These boots are not the kind that you walk in for hours. They're cute, but they have a heel (which is something ELSE I don't do) and at the end of the night, my feet hurt, my calves hurt, and those brown Dr Martens were calling my name.
Today, I went out and bought them. Yes, I feel a bit guilty. But they are flat, comfortable and look adorable on my feet. I am happy.
So...I happened to go into Famous Footwear the other day and my eyes fell upon a pair of Dr Martens. On sale. I tried them on. I loved them. I just couldn't fathom spending so much money on a pair of shoes. Yes, I need brown shoes. Yes, they were on sale. Yes, they were the style that I love. But $85!!! Wowzers. So, I left the store without shoes in hand.
Yesterday, I wore my brown boots all day. These boots are not the kind that you walk in for hours. They're cute, but they have a heel (which is something ELSE I don't do) and at the end of the night, my feet hurt, my calves hurt, and those brown Dr Martens were calling my name.
Today, I went out and bought them. Yes, I feel a bit guilty. But they are flat, comfortable and look adorable on my feet. I am happy.
I should be cleaning
This past week has been a busy one. It's always crazy this time of year, I'm not sure why I'm even surprised. Yesterday, we went over to our best friends house. It was so good to see him. There were about 20 people that came over, to celebrate an early Thanksgiving with him before he heads out to Iraq. It's amazing to see how this one person has affected so many people. The love in the house was staggering. I know that I felt blessed to have one more day with him before he left. The kids...they're having a hard time with knowing he'll be gone for so long. Daegan especially. After everyone left, Gus took the kids downstairs to lift weights. Listening to it from upstairs left a smile on my face. Taking the time for that one last activity is SO Gus. We then watched Ren and Stimpy and then came home.
I talked to mom yesterday. She's still feeling the effects of the infection that she got. The other day dad had to drain the infection. It took him 45 minutes to get it all out. She's wanting to get out of the house, but gets so tired after a little time on her feet. She loves to go Christmas shopping, and was brought to tears with the idea she wouldn't be able to do it this year. I told her that she now will be like MOST people and wait until the last minute, and then do power shopping for two days. I told Brian that I'd like to spend the night and do a two-day shopping with her. The problem is, we don't know when she'll get her strength back, and so making plans is difficult.
Something I didn't write...Brian was hired back on as a contractor for the previous company that he worked for. We don't know how long the job will last...it could be 3months, it could be 6...but at least he's working through the Holiday's. This is one reason I haven't had the time to blog. The irony is great that he was hired back by the same company that just let him go. We are very thankful for the opportunity. This still allows him some time to search for another job, and it does great things for his self esteem. I miss him greatly, though. It was nice to have him home during his three week hiatus.
Looking forward to Thanksgiving. There are many, many things to be thankful for.
I talked to mom yesterday. She's still feeling the effects of the infection that she got. The other day dad had to drain the infection. It took him 45 minutes to get it all out. She's wanting to get out of the house, but gets so tired after a little time on her feet. She loves to go Christmas shopping, and was brought to tears with the idea she wouldn't be able to do it this year. I told her that she now will be like MOST people and wait until the last minute, and then do power shopping for two days. I told Brian that I'd like to spend the night and do a two-day shopping with her. The problem is, we don't know when she'll get her strength back, and so making plans is difficult.
Something I didn't write...Brian was hired back on as a contractor for the previous company that he worked for. We don't know how long the job will last...it could be 3months, it could be 6...but at least he's working through the Holiday's. This is one reason I haven't had the time to blog. The irony is great that he was hired back by the same company that just let him go. We are very thankful for the opportunity. This still allows him some time to search for another job, and it does great things for his self esteem. I miss him greatly, though. It was nice to have him home during his three week hiatus.
Looking forward to Thanksgiving. There are many, many things to be thankful for.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Birthdays
Today is my mom's birthday. I called her yesterday wanting to know if she was up to doing anything. She said she'd like a short visit from us...and a juicy hamburger. Her appetite isn't back to normal, she said something about her taste buds being screwed up, but she's wanting a hamburger. Her wish is my demand, we'll stop by Sonic to score one. She talked about her birthday, Thanksgiving and Christmas being sort of null and void this year. I asked her what she thought made a good Thanksgiving and Christmas and she answered, "being surrounded by family and friends." I told her that that was what was going to happen, that she was going to be better by this Christmas, and to never throw any time away.
She's feeling better. Got dressed yesterday rather than wear her comfy p.j.'s. The stitches still hurt to wear clothing, but it's getting better. She also fixed her hair and put some make-up on. She IS getting better. The best thing, though, is that mom and dad are a team now. Him and her against this "cancer". She brought up chemo and told me how terrified of it she was. She'll be meeting with her doctor about how to combat the fear. I wished out loud that he had some way to erase the memory of how her own mother suffered during chemo, and how that would make it easier. I'm thinking hypnotism, and I'm not joking. I also wish for my aunt to have it done. I can't imagine what it is like to take care of your mother during such a terrible time. I guess I will be seeing it for myself. All I want is for them to find a drug so she doesn't get sick!!
Anyway, I went to the store to pick out some birthday cards and I sat there crying. I always take about 15-20 minutes to pick out the perfect card. Hallmark has come a long way. They had some that talked about mom being her daughter's best friend. How she is always there for you during your time of need. How no matter what, your mom roots for you, during all times of bad decisions, curtain calls, etc. I just...am so thankful for her. The bad thoughts keep creeping in, and I know they'll be there...but they're coming in less and less. All I know is we need to be appreciative of every moment that we have. Every birthday is now a milestone of her being a survivor. For she IS a survivor, of the most incredible kind.
I picked out two good books for mom to read. One is There's No Place Like Hope by Vickie Girard and the other is Crazy Sexy Cancer Tips by Kris Carr. I felt both offered an optimistic way to handle the news, the sickness and the chemo. I'm not sure if she'll ever read them, but I found them written very well and suggest anyone who has a loved one who is a woman who was diagnosed with cancer to read them.
She's feeling better. Got dressed yesterday rather than wear her comfy p.j.'s. The stitches still hurt to wear clothing, but it's getting better. She also fixed her hair and put some make-up on. She IS getting better. The best thing, though, is that mom and dad are a team now. Him and her against this "cancer". She brought up chemo and told me how terrified of it she was. She'll be meeting with her doctor about how to combat the fear. I wished out loud that he had some way to erase the memory of how her own mother suffered during chemo, and how that would make it easier. I'm thinking hypnotism, and I'm not joking. I also wish for my aunt to have it done. I can't imagine what it is like to take care of your mother during such a terrible time. I guess I will be seeing it for myself. All I want is for them to find a drug so she doesn't get sick!!
Anyway, I went to the store to pick out some birthday cards and I sat there crying. I always take about 15-20 minutes to pick out the perfect card. Hallmark has come a long way. They had some that talked about mom being her daughter's best friend. How she is always there for you during your time of need. How no matter what, your mom roots for you, during all times of bad decisions, curtain calls, etc. I just...am so thankful for her. The bad thoughts keep creeping in, and I know they'll be there...but they're coming in less and less. All I know is we need to be appreciative of every moment that we have. Every birthday is now a milestone of her being a survivor. For she IS a survivor, of the most incredible kind.
I picked out two good books for mom to read. One is There's No Place Like Hope by Vickie Girard and the other is Crazy Sexy Cancer Tips by Kris Carr. I felt both offered an optimistic way to handle the news, the sickness and the chemo. I'm not sure if she'll ever read them, but I found them written very well and suggest anyone who has a loved one who is a woman who was diagnosed with cancer to read them.
Monday, November 17, 2008
God speaks through song
Hurt by Thousand Foot Krutch
Drop the ball, watch it fall far below
Suck you in, hold your breath
The undertow creeps in slow
Everyone owns a gun deep inside
It's just a matter of how much you let it slide
Drop the ball, watch it fall far below
Suck you in, hold your breath
The undertow creeps in slow
Everyone owns a gun deep inside
It's just a matter of how much you let it slide
Help me help you they wont be there
Help me help you they won't see
It hurts when you need me
And I can't break your fall
It hurts when you can't see
And it hurts
Drop the switch, scratch the itch, watch it grow
Inch by inch, the cutting board, watch it swing to and frau
Everyone carries one deep inside
It's just a matter of how much you let it slide
Wash it off, take the loss, let it go
Take it in, drink it up, we can just take it slow
Everyone carries one deep inside
It's just a matter of how much you let it slide
Help me help you they wont be there
Help me help you they won't see
It hurts when you need me
And I can't break your fall
It hurts when you can't see
And it hurts
It hurts when you need me
And I can't break your fall
It hurts when you can't see
And it hurts
And it hurts when you're lonely
And I'm standing right beside you there
And it hurt when you told me
That you told me that you tried this on your own
Hope you never hurt
Hope you never cry
Hope you never lose your way tonight
Hope you never crumble
Hope you never fall
Hope you never throw away the
Drop the ball, watch it fall far below
Suck you in, hold your breath, watch it swing
It hurts when you need me
And I can't break your fall
It hurts when you can't see
And it hurts
It hurts when you need me
And I can't break your fall
It hurts when you can't see
And it hurts
And it hurts
And it hurts
And it hurts
And it hurts
And it hurts
And it hurts
Drop the ball, watch it fall far below
Suck you in, hold your breath
The undertow creeps in slow
Everyone owns a gun deep inside
It's just a matter of how much you let it slide
Drop the ball, watch it fall far below
Suck you in, hold your breath
The undertow creeps in slow
Everyone owns a gun deep inside
It's just a matter of how much you let it slide
Help me help you they wont be there
Help me help you they won't see
It hurts when you need me
And I can't break your fall
It hurts when you can't see
And it hurts
Drop the switch, scratch the itch, watch it grow
Inch by inch, the cutting board, watch it swing to and frau
Everyone carries one deep inside
It's just a matter of how much you let it slide
Wash it off, take the loss, let it go
Take it in, drink it up, we can just take it slow
Everyone carries one deep inside
It's just a matter of how much you let it slide
Help me help you they wont be there
Help me help you they won't see
It hurts when you need me
And I can't break your fall
It hurts when you can't see
And it hurts
It hurts when you need me
And I can't break your fall
It hurts when you can't see
And it hurts
And it hurts when you're lonely
And I'm standing right beside you there
And it hurt when you told me
That you told me that you tried this on your own
Hope you never hurt
Hope you never cry
Hope you never lose your way tonight
Hope you never crumble
Hope you never fall
Hope you never throw away the
Drop the ball, watch it fall far below
Suck you in, hold your breath, watch it swing
It hurts when you need me
And I can't break your fall
It hurts when you can't see
And it hurts
It hurts when you need me
And I can't break your fall
It hurts when you can't see
And it hurts
And it hurts
And it hurts
And it hurts
And it hurts
And it hurts
And it hurts
Revelation
Why do these revelations always hit me while I'm in the shower??
Yeah. I'm pissed at God. It explains a lot.
Yeah. I'm pissed at God. It explains a lot.
Peace...what's that?
Visited a church for the second time yesterday. I left feeling...unsatisfied. I don't even know what I'm supposed to be doing there anymore, except what has been ingrained in me. Worship. I'm at a point in my life that it all seems, I don't know, important...necessary...but a waste of time. This scares me like you'd never believe. I feel as if I reach out...out...to forever, and can't quite grasp for whatever I'm reaching. I still believe in God. I call out to Him in struggle, I thank Him for my daily blessings. I just can't feel Him. I feel as if He has taken a vacation from being by my side.
For me, worship means singing. I love this band that is at the church we visited. They are talented, and obviously are worshipping. The group sang songs that I had never heard of, so I stood there and listened. Closed my eyes and breathed. It brought tears to my eyes, but I think it was mostly out of frustration, because I couldn't feel what I had felt before. For the longest time, listening to music at my other church would hurt my ears. It was distracting to me. At least when I joined Joyful Noise I could lend my talents to the group, but more importantly, not have the sound distract me from what I was there for. LOL. I could hear myself and a couple of others, and for the most part, it was good enough. I WOULD be worshipping. Then, the stress from my pastor...it ceased to be worshipping again. It's been a long time.
I am CRYING OUT. I am DESPERATE for some peace here, God. I wrote a quick blog on myspace about needing peace...and my hubby, so lovingly wrote, "Have you asked for it?" So, I made that part of my daily routine. Prayer to God as I was showering. "Please...please God. Take this ache away!!" Nothing. NOTHING!!! I feel my anxiety rise. I feel my stomach churning. I think, "Okay, I need to put myself in a place where I can feel you closer, going to a church."
NOTHING.
I hate this. Will I find it again? The place that God wants me to be? I'm surrounded by churches. Surely there is a place that is right for our family. A place that we can feel connected. ONE with our beliefs. ONE with the spirit.
For me, worship means singing. I love this band that is at the church we visited. They are talented, and obviously are worshipping. The group sang songs that I had never heard of, so I stood there and listened. Closed my eyes and breathed. It brought tears to my eyes, but I think it was mostly out of frustration, because I couldn't feel what I had felt before. For the longest time, listening to music at my other church would hurt my ears. It was distracting to me. At least when I joined Joyful Noise I could lend my talents to the group, but more importantly, not have the sound distract me from what I was there for. LOL. I could hear myself and a couple of others, and for the most part, it was good enough. I WOULD be worshipping. Then, the stress from my pastor...it ceased to be worshipping again. It's been a long time.
I am CRYING OUT. I am DESPERATE for some peace here, God. I wrote a quick blog on myspace about needing peace...and my hubby, so lovingly wrote, "Have you asked for it?" So, I made that part of my daily routine. Prayer to God as I was showering. "Please...please God. Take this ache away!!" Nothing. NOTHING!!! I feel my anxiety rise. I feel my stomach churning. I think, "Okay, I need to put myself in a place where I can feel you closer, going to a church."
NOTHING.
I hate this. Will I find it again? The place that God wants me to be? I'm surrounded by churches. Surely there is a place that is right for our family. A place that we can feel connected. ONE with our beliefs. ONE with the spirit.
Friday, November 14, 2008
Normal
Today was a fun day. Got to spend a lot of money in a short time for home entertainment. Brian and I worked together all day putting together our new television and sound system (okay, HE worked, I was there for moral support). I loved watching Brian, he was so excited. His excitement was contagious. After turning the t.v. on and listened to the first part of a movie, we just sat there in awe. Ha, what technology can do to a person. It was great to keep busy and not constantly think of everything that is going on. Of course, I started to feel guilty that I wasn't thinking about things, but told myself that was ridiculous and snapped out of that funk.
Had my in-laws over for dinner. The conversation quickly went to news about my mom. It's intersting to talk to people. They want to hear, but they don't want to hear too much. Of course, it's nearly impossible to have a conversation when there are three boys vying for their grandparents attention, too.
I talked quickly with mom, and heard it was a down day for her. She's thinking about how she had the opportunity to have a more in depth look at her omentum, and she chose to go to her reunion instead. I told her she couldn't beat herself up for it, how in the heck could she have known? Even the doctors acted like it wasn't that big of a deal. We just don't know, and as people say, hindsight is always 20/20
I wished in my mind that things could go back to normal. Where we only worried about the financial crisis and the fact that Obama is the 44th President (although this wasn't a worry for me, I was elated!!)
What is normal? I'm sure this will become easier, I just don't know if normal will ever be normal again.
Had my in-laws over for dinner. The conversation quickly went to news about my mom. It's intersting to talk to people. They want to hear, but they don't want to hear too much. Of course, it's nearly impossible to have a conversation when there are three boys vying for their grandparents attention, too.
I talked quickly with mom, and heard it was a down day for her. She's thinking about how she had the opportunity to have a more in depth look at her omentum, and she chose to go to her reunion instead. I told her she couldn't beat herself up for it, how in the heck could she have known? Even the doctors acted like it wasn't that big of a deal. We just don't know, and as people say, hindsight is always 20/20
I wished in my mind that things could go back to normal. Where we only worried about the financial crisis and the fact that Obama is the 44th President (although this wasn't a worry for me, I was elated!!)
What is normal? I'm sure this will become easier, I just don't know if normal will ever be normal again.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Just another day
I went to visit mom today. She looks great. Aunt Marsha fixed her hair, which a woman has to do to feel pretty. :) Still has pain when she gets up and moves around, but absolutely none when lying in bed. She's only taking ibuprofen now...won't even touch the Vicodin.
Her first night home she got very, very sick. We're not sure why. It could have been the mix of Vicodin, a little food in her stomach and then the stomach not liking the mix, or it could have been other things. We don't know. All we do know is on Wednesday we were talking about taking her BACK to the hospital, but instead got some anti-nausea medication for her, and she's back on track. However, she won't take anything besides the ibuprofen now. I felt so bad that she was up all night sick, and so grateful that Marsha was with her the entire time.
Since yesterday morning, she's been getting better and better. Her spirits are up and down. The reality is setting in, and it's difficult. I refuse to tell her to "think positively" because I've heard from several cancer patients it's the one thing they don't want to hear. They just want to be able to feel what they feel without being told to NOT feel that way. I listen, and I rarely have anything to say. I'm not sure how long I can go without saying anything. She's used to me having an opinion on everything!!! We briefly talked about Ryan calling. I still can't tell how she felt about it. She wasn't upset that he called, she's just still upset it's been so LONG since he's called.
The topic of chemo was brought up because dad was talking to Uncle Jim on the phone. She's obviously not ready to hear about it OR talk about it. I don't blame her. She did say she's pissed that right when she starts feeling like her body is healing, she'll feel like shit from the chemo. She's right, and that really, really sucks.
Marsha will be leaving on Saturday. I worry that mom will get nervous, and lonely, and offered for her to call me if she needs me to come over. My husband has been so generous with letting me go when I need to.
I feel like dad is a bit overwhelmed. He's still gathering information. Mom will be meeting with her regular PCP AND her regular GYNO next week. Dad is trying to find the best possible place to receive her chemo...close by. We've been so very fortunate to have people know people who are either oncologists in different cities, or like my friend Zim, who is working at Harvard University actually on the team to find a cure for cancer. These people have all of the up to date information, and have plenty of ideas for dad to start on the chemo research. Also the new trial medications.
I'm tired...again. Thank goodness for trash t.v. that makes my brain stop thinking for awhile. Yay, Grey's Anatomy!
Her first night home she got very, very sick. We're not sure why. It could have been the mix of Vicodin, a little food in her stomach and then the stomach not liking the mix, or it could have been other things. We don't know. All we do know is on Wednesday we were talking about taking her BACK to the hospital, but instead got some anti-nausea medication for her, and she's back on track. However, she won't take anything besides the ibuprofen now. I felt so bad that she was up all night sick, and so grateful that Marsha was with her the entire time.
Since yesterday morning, she's been getting better and better. Her spirits are up and down. The reality is setting in, and it's difficult. I refuse to tell her to "think positively" because I've heard from several cancer patients it's the one thing they don't want to hear. They just want to be able to feel what they feel without being told to NOT feel that way. I listen, and I rarely have anything to say. I'm not sure how long I can go without saying anything. She's used to me having an opinion on everything!!! We briefly talked about Ryan calling. I still can't tell how she felt about it. She wasn't upset that he called, she's just still upset it's been so LONG since he's called.
The topic of chemo was brought up because dad was talking to Uncle Jim on the phone. She's obviously not ready to hear about it OR talk about it. I don't blame her. She did say she's pissed that right when she starts feeling like her body is healing, she'll feel like shit from the chemo. She's right, and that really, really sucks.
Marsha will be leaving on Saturday. I worry that mom will get nervous, and lonely, and offered for her to call me if she needs me to come over. My husband has been so generous with letting me go when I need to.
I feel like dad is a bit overwhelmed. He's still gathering information. Mom will be meeting with her regular PCP AND her regular GYNO next week. Dad is trying to find the best possible place to receive her chemo...close by. We've been so very fortunate to have people know people who are either oncologists in different cities, or like my friend Zim, who is working at Harvard University actually on the team to find a cure for cancer. These people have all of the up to date information, and have plenty of ideas for dad to start on the chemo research. Also the new trial medications.
I'm tired...again. Thank goodness for trash t.v. that makes my brain stop thinking for awhile. Yay, Grey's Anatomy!
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
I hope I made the right choice
The past few weeks I've been trying to find a way to get in touch with my brother. The only way I had to stay in contact with him was through Myspace, and he doesn't chack it very often. I decided I would try to contact a friend of his that was on his myspace page that lived in the same city, and waited...waited...waited for this friend to get back in touch with me. He did, gave me Ryan's phone number, and I called Ryan this evening.
I'm pretty much just relieved that he reacted the way he did when I gave him the news. Wanted to know more information, asked for phone numbers, and then asked if he thought it would be alright to actually call my mother. Remember, Ryan and my mom haven't spoken in 8 years. He said he was concerned about upsetting her when she was so weak. I told him that I appreciated his concern and that I would call dad and ask what he thought. He said okay, and that he would talk to his significant other and ask what she thought. I said okay. Ryan acted...HUMAN.
I called dad, and he sounded a bit in shock that I was able to get in touch with Ryan. He thought it might be good to wait a couple of days and then have Ryan call. I said okay, that I would tell Ryan, and we left it at that. I sat down for dinner thinking I had 30 minutes to call Ryan and give him the news. While sitting down for about 30 seconds, my phone rang. My dad had come home and mom was on the phone with Ryan already.
I'm hoping the conversation went okay. I'm hoping this doesn't upset my mom so much that she starts having panic attacks. Maybe this is a way for them to reconnect, forgive, and restart?
I'm waiting very impatiently for my father to call me back and let me know how mom took the phone call. I hope I did the right thing...
I'm pretty much just relieved that he reacted the way he did when I gave him the news. Wanted to know more information, asked for phone numbers, and then asked if he thought it would be alright to actually call my mother. Remember, Ryan and my mom haven't spoken in 8 years. He said he was concerned about upsetting her when she was so weak. I told him that I appreciated his concern and that I would call dad and ask what he thought. He said okay, and that he would talk to his significant other and ask what she thought. I said okay. Ryan acted...HUMAN.
I called dad, and he sounded a bit in shock that I was able to get in touch with Ryan. He thought it might be good to wait a couple of days and then have Ryan call. I said okay, that I would tell Ryan, and we left it at that. I sat down for dinner thinking I had 30 minutes to call Ryan and give him the news. While sitting down for about 30 seconds, my phone rang. My dad had come home and mom was on the phone with Ryan already.
I'm hoping the conversation went okay. I'm hoping this doesn't upset my mom so much that she starts having panic attacks. Maybe this is a way for them to reconnect, forgive, and restart?
I'm waiting very impatiently for my father to call me back and let me know how mom took the phone call. I hope I did the right thing...
Mom is home!
Wow, what a whirlwhind of a day yesterday! I drove to the hospital and got there about 9:30 in the morning. Mom had been taken off the (what I call) dopey drug and was administered 1 Ibuprofen and 1 Vicodin. I could already tell she was more alert! During the night and again in the morning she had had a bowel movement, but was feeling a bit dizzy and her stomach was upset. She was eating fruit because she was told to do so. I could also see that her anxiousness was returning, which made me worry a bit. She knew she wanted to get out of there, and was doing everything she could to prove it. Walking when told to do so, eating and drinking even when she didn't feel like it...what a trooper!!
I could tell it was wearing her out, so in the afternoon, I told her I was going to get something to eat so she could rest. I told the nurses that I would be RIGHT back, and went downstairs. I came back, and they had already removed her drain! Ooooh, I was pissed at myself at the nurses. I wanted to be there when they did it, because I had been told earlier that it was going to be painful. I had told the tech that, but she was not the one that had removed the drain. Mom told me it was incredibly painful, but she made it through. I told her that would be the worst part of the day...and I was right! Her resident came in and asked her if she was ready to leave that day, and she told him that there wasn't anything she could do to recouperate more at the hospital than she could do at home, so he said he'd be back. A little while later, the physical therapist came in and asked mom to get out of the bed. When mom reached for the bed rail, the therapist put the bed rail down and said, "you won't have one of those in your home bed." Then mom reached for the chair that was close by and that stinkin' therapist moved that out of the way, too!!! Mom rolled onto her side, sat up, than stood up with her arms up and said, "Ta-da!!" and was up and moving!! LOL. Nothing was going to keep her in that hospital another day. She then had to go up and down stairs which she didn't seem to have problems with. I don't know if it was adrenaline that was keeping her going or what, but I was so proud of her!!! I called my dad and aunt and told them that she was able to go home.
As we waited, a nurse came in and told mom that she had to take a medicine to keep the blood clots from forming...and it was in the form of a shot. Her anxiety sky rocketed. Mom and I started working on breathing techniques and waited for dad to get there, since he was the one who had to administer the shot. Dad finally walked in, read some material, waited for the nurse to come in, and then showed her how awesome HE is by not blanching at all, and gave my mom a shot of saline to show her he could do it. I was just humbled by the entire experience. After waiting for what seemed forever, mom was finally released and was able to go home. I know that her recovery will go even faster at home, and know that we will all rest a bit easier now that some of the worry of her recovery has passed. I still ask for prayers that she gets through the recovery period. Now that the morphine-like substance has left her body, the anxiousness will return. My mom has OCD and has a hard time NOT focusing on certain aspects. I pray that God will calm her mind and her heart as reality sinks in on what needs to happen next. I pray that since her body has not had solid foods in a week that her stomach eases, and the reintroduction of food does not cause her so much discomfort that she doesn't want to eat!! I also pray that my dad stays steady and strong. He CAN do this.
I could tell it was wearing her out, so in the afternoon, I told her I was going to get something to eat so she could rest. I told the nurses that I would be RIGHT back, and went downstairs. I came back, and they had already removed her drain! Ooooh, I was pissed at myself at the nurses. I wanted to be there when they did it, because I had been told earlier that it was going to be painful. I had told the tech that, but she was not the one that had removed the drain. Mom told me it was incredibly painful, but she made it through. I told her that would be the worst part of the day...and I was right! Her resident came in and asked her if she was ready to leave that day, and she told him that there wasn't anything she could do to recouperate more at the hospital than she could do at home, so he said he'd be back. A little while later, the physical therapist came in and asked mom to get out of the bed. When mom reached for the bed rail, the therapist put the bed rail down and said, "you won't have one of those in your home bed." Then mom reached for the chair that was close by and that stinkin' therapist moved that out of the way, too!!! Mom rolled onto her side, sat up, than stood up with her arms up and said, "Ta-da!!" and was up and moving!! LOL. Nothing was going to keep her in that hospital another day. She then had to go up and down stairs which she didn't seem to have problems with. I don't know if it was adrenaline that was keeping her going or what, but I was so proud of her!!! I called my dad and aunt and told them that she was able to go home.
As we waited, a nurse came in and told mom that she had to take a medicine to keep the blood clots from forming...and it was in the form of a shot. Her anxiety sky rocketed. Mom and I started working on breathing techniques and waited for dad to get there, since he was the one who had to administer the shot. Dad finally walked in, read some material, waited for the nurse to come in, and then showed her how awesome HE is by not blanching at all, and gave my mom a shot of saline to show her he could do it. I was just humbled by the entire experience. After waiting for what seemed forever, mom was finally released and was able to go home. I know that her recovery will go even faster at home, and know that we will all rest a bit easier now that some of the worry of her recovery has passed. I still ask for prayers that she gets through the recovery period. Now that the morphine-like substance has left her body, the anxiousness will return. My mom has OCD and has a hard time NOT focusing on certain aspects. I pray that God will calm her mind and her heart as reality sinks in on what needs to happen next. I pray that since her body has not had solid foods in a week that her stomach eases, and the reintroduction of food does not cause her so much discomfort that she doesn't want to eat!! I also pray that my dad stays steady and strong. He CAN do this.
Monday, November 10, 2008
A day of relaxation...sorta
Today I stayed home again. My first day of a long week of cramps and that sort. I would have been no help at the hospital...mom would have wanted to give ME some of the medications she was getting. Hell, I might have asked for them. Stupid monthly cramps.
Anyway, talked to dad, and he had a chance to talk to the doctor. She answered all of his questions which is a great thing. We've found out that the name of mom's cancer is primary peritoneal cancer or PPC for short. Here is a good site if you want to learn a little more about it.
http://www.cancerbackup.org.uk/Cancertype/Ovary/Relatedcancers/Primaryperitonealcancer
It sounds very rare, so not a lot of people will have heard of it, so I'm still sticking with ovarian cancer when explaining it to people, or saying it's a type very similar to ovarian cancer.
Today mom has been a walking fanatic. Walking more and more, longer and longer is a great step. She knows that to get out of the hospital, she HAS to have a bowel movement, and to do that, she needs to get out of bed and make things happen. Mom doesn't have an appetite lately, which is okay since they still have her on a liquid diet. After this experience, I wouldn't doubt she'd never touch artificial sweetened jello again.
The social worker was talking to mom while I was on the phone. She's getting mom's family history, trying to make a case to the insurance company to allow her to have the genetic testing for the BRCA 1 gene. Even with the PPC, it sounds like the type of cancer that is genetic, so if I find out mom was predisposed, I need to do my own research, too. The problem with this genetic testing and getting insurance to cover it is if I AM predisposed, my insurance company can dump me. Not something I'm willing to have happen. I've been doing a bit of research on how much it would be to pay out of pocket.
Women in my life. I ask you at this time to think long and hard about your yearly exams. Even though these exams didn't catch my mom's because of the type it was, she really was dedicated to going. Get your mammograms. Get your yearly paps. It can make a difference between a chance of living because they could catch the cancer early to just trying to keep you alive if you don't. I love you and ask this of you. I know my mom will be saying this, too.
Anyway, talked to dad, and he had a chance to talk to the doctor. She answered all of his questions which is a great thing. We've found out that the name of mom's cancer is primary peritoneal cancer or PPC for short. Here is a good site if you want to learn a little more about it.
http://www.cancerbackup.org.uk/Cancertype/Ovary/Relatedcancers/Primaryperitonealcancer
It sounds very rare, so not a lot of people will have heard of it, so I'm still sticking with ovarian cancer when explaining it to people, or saying it's a type very similar to ovarian cancer.
Today mom has been a walking fanatic. Walking more and more, longer and longer is a great step. She knows that to get out of the hospital, she HAS to have a bowel movement, and to do that, she needs to get out of bed and make things happen. Mom doesn't have an appetite lately, which is okay since they still have her on a liquid diet. After this experience, I wouldn't doubt she'd never touch artificial sweetened jello again.
The social worker was talking to mom while I was on the phone. She's getting mom's family history, trying to make a case to the insurance company to allow her to have the genetic testing for the BRCA 1 gene. Even with the PPC, it sounds like the type of cancer that is genetic, so if I find out mom was predisposed, I need to do my own research, too. The problem with this genetic testing and getting insurance to cover it is if I AM predisposed, my insurance company can dump me. Not something I'm willing to have happen. I've been doing a bit of research on how much it would be to pay out of pocket.
Women in my life. I ask you at this time to think long and hard about your yearly exams. Even though these exams didn't catch my mom's because of the type it was, she really was dedicated to going. Get your mammograms. Get your yearly paps. It can make a difference between a chance of living because they could catch the cancer early to just trying to keep you alive if you don't. I love you and ask this of you. I know my mom will be saying this, too.
From the mouths of babes
I was talking to my eldest son the night before last. Told him I needed a hug. He gave it to me, and asked how I was doing. I told him I was worried about Nana. He said, "but they got all of the cancer out, right?" I started to talk to him about the chemo...and he stopped me and said, "Mom, they got all of the cancer. I'm thinking positively and you should, too."
Commence draw droppage.
He's right. There's no use in thinking about years left. All I should be thinking about now is she's here with us. What a blessing she is to all of us.
Kids. They always say the darndest things.
Commence draw droppage.
He's right. There's no use in thinking about years left. All I should be thinking about now is she's here with us. What a blessing she is to all of us.
Kids. They always say the darndest things.
Not sure what to label this
Okay. New information that does ABSOLUTELY nothing for anyone, but it is new. Mom's cancer started on her omentum, not in her ovaries. They will be treating it the same as ovarian cancer, but...this answers a LOT of questions that we have. As in...how in the hell did it spread so fast (within a year)??? She had an ultrasound of her ovaries last year with nothing showing.
Around two years ago, my mother had what is called an omental infarction. This is the twisting of her omentum. Here's an article about what the omentum is
With the omentum infarction, came severe abdominal pain. They did a cat scan, diagnosed that was what was causing the pain, and then sent her home. The pain eventually resided, and the omentum was out of our minds.
I believe the cancer started the omental infarction, and it wasn't detected in the cat scan. I believe she's had cancer for almost two years. I believe it has had the time to spread in this two years.
I'm blown away. My father and I are piecing things together. Who to call to let these doctors know NOT to blow off patients with omental infarction. We feel that it is a necessity to at least put the information out there.
Now, I'm not a doctor, this is purely my own guessing. But the biopsy has proven that the cancer came from her omentum. Could we have prevented her having Stage 3C cancer by removing her omentum long ago? Do we need to even be asking ourselves this? I don't know, I just do know that I don't want this to happen to anyone else.
Around two years ago, my mother had what is called an omental infarction. This is the twisting of her omentum. Here's an article about what the omentum is
With the omentum infarction, came severe abdominal pain. They did a cat scan, diagnosed that was what was causing the pain, and then sent her home. The pain eventually resided, and the omentum was out of our minds.
I believe the cancer started the omental infarction, and it wasn't detected in the cat scan. I believe she's had cancer for almost two years. I believe it has had the time to spread in this two years.
I'm blown away. My father and I are piecing things together. Who to call to let these doctors know NOT to blow off patients with omental infarction. We feel that it is a necessity to at least put the information out there.
Now, I'm not a doctor, this is purely my own guessing. But the biopsy has proven that the cancer came from her omentum. Could we have prevented her having Stage 3C cancer by removing her omentum long ago? Do we need to even be asking ourselves this? I don't know, I just do know that I don't want this to happen to anyone else.
...
Because of my daze, I haven't been able to retain all of the information the nurses and doctors have been telling my family and myself. Yesterday, after being at the hospital, I started hearing tidbits that nagged at me through the entire day. "Lived a long time. At least 6-7 years when diagnosed." "Not through the next hard part, infection" and "Complications from the chemo". When you hear technical terms, it's easy for the mind to gloss over some of it, give the terms time to go through your head, and then BAM! reality hits. We're talking limited time, here. I keep hearing 3-5 years. 35-50% of women with ovarian cancer can get it again. I keep hearing about cancer swimming around in her abdomen. God, I know they have to be honest, but right now, I am thankful my mother is so out of it from the morphine that she's not retaining any of these facts. Let her body heal first, and then let the situation fully hit her.
I'm at the down part of the day, again. I'll be taking off visiting her today, and will be back tomorrow. I'll be doing a lot of research, because it's the only thing I CAN do.
As for the positives yesterday, mom was able to get out of bed, walk down the hall, and then lay down again. She took two walks...the second longer than the first which was great! My aunt and I were thoroughly pissed when we heard she had a terrible, pain filled night the first night because somehow her IV had come apart and the drugs for pain weren't getting into her body, but spilling onto the floor. My mom kept saying she kept hitting the button, and no relief was happening. I'm a pretty even tempered person, but was ready to kick ass and take names later when I heard about this!! The nurse evidently figured out the problem and fixed it, but we weren't happy to hear about it, and felt guilty for leaving her alone the first night.
Edit: did some research. Hard facts to swallow.
I'm at the down part of the day, again. I'll be taking off visiting her today, and will be back tomorrow. I'll be doing a lot of research, because it's the only thing I CAN do.
As for the positives yesterday, mom was able to get out of bed, walk down the hall, and then lay down again. She took two walks...the second longer than the first which was great! My aunt and I were thoroughly pissed when we heard she had a terrible, pain filled night the first night because somehow her IV had come apart and the drugs for pain weren't getting into her body, but spilling onto the floor. My mom kept saying she kept hitting the button, and no relief was happening. I'm a pretty even tempered person, but was ready to kick ass and take names later when I heard about this!! The nurse evidently figured out the problem and fixed it, but we weren't happy to hear about it, and felt guilty for leaving her alone the first night.
Edit: did some research. Hard facts to swallow.
Outcome 2
After a 2 1/2 hour surgery, the surgeon came out, brought my dad, aunt and I into a room, sat us down and told us what was going on. I had already assumed by how long the surgery took that they had found more cancer than previously thought. They had. It had attacked both ovaries, a small piece of her spleen, all of her omentum, her appendix and also three tumors were on top of her bowel. They were able to remove all cancerous pieces and she believes she got it all. There was no cancer in her lymph nodes, thank goodness. My aunt and I started to cry and then looked at each other wondering WHY we were crying? We knew she had cancer already, but the shock of all of the places it had gone was staggering. We took the two hours we needed for mom to be in recovery to start thinking positively so we could be the light that my mom would need. Unfortunately, it took forever for her to get into another room, so I was not able to see my mom last night. I will be leaving today to go see her.
The plan of action is, of course, chemo. Starting in 4-8 weeks. Two types of chemo, one through an IV and another administered through her abdomen. The abdomen will have stronger side effects (couldn't bring myself to ask what they were, but I can sure guess) and that will terrify her. Administering the chemo to her abdomen will prolong the cancer from coming back 18 more months. Not sure if mom will be up to it.
Prayers would be good. I'm happy that the surgeon thought she got everything, sad that the recovery will take longer. We're talking about a woman who has to leave the house every day or she'll go stir crazy. I'm thankful my aunt is in town, and worried about my dad.
Just...dazed.
The plan of action is, of course, chemo. Starting in 4-8 weeks. Two types of chemo, one through an IV and another administered through her abdomen. The abdomen will have stronger side effects (couldn't bring myself to ask what they were, but I can sure guess) and that will terrify her. Administering the chemo to her abdomen will prolong the cancer from coming back 18 more months. Not sure if mom will be up to it.
Prayers would be good. I'm happy that the surgeon thought she got everything, sad that the recovery will take longer. We're talking about a woman who has to leave the house every day or she'll go stir crazy. I'm thankful my aunt is in town, and worried about my dad.
Just...dazed.
Just dealing
Yesterday was a rough one for me. After the shower, and the cry, I felt a bit more focused and was ready to visit my mom. I had made a couple of meals for my mom and dad, and drove over to see them. When I got there, I searched out my mother, and just held her for awhile. After she cried, we got up and talked quite a bit. Her fears are my fears. She wouldn't be as worried about this whole thing if they hadn't already found cancer on other parts of her body. No one with cancer in our family has lived to tell about it. They all have died young.
I didn't cry. I wouldn't. I don't want her to think that I'm cold, I just am afraid if I start crying, that I won't be able to stop when I'm with her. We talked of positive thinking, and having lots to live for. We talked of many things because that's what she needed to do was just to talk about it.
After putting her to bed, I drove to Longmont to pick her up some nightgowns to take back to her house. On the way there, I had a panic attack. I stopped the car and just sat there, then messaged my mother-in-law. She called me right back and talked me through it.
The thing that gets me the most is the total feeling of powerlessness in the situation. I am very much a control freak, and there is absolutely NOTHING I can do to make this better.
Only three more days, then we'll know.
I didn't cry. I wouldn't. I don't want her to think that I'm cold, I just am afraid if I start crying, that I won't be able to stop when I'm with her. We talked of positive thinking, and having lots to live for. We talked of many things because that's what she needed to do was just to talk about it.
After putting her to bed, I drove to Longmont to pick her up some nightgowns to take back to her house. On the way there, I had a panic attack. I stopped the car and just sat there, then messaged my mother-in-law. She called me right back and talked me through it.
The thing that gets me the most is the total feeling of powerlessness in the situation. I am very much a control freak, and there is absolutely NOTHING I can do to make this better.
Only three more days, then we'll know.
